Tip for People Wanting to Become Parents

Stay away from the baby books.  Don't waste your money on learn how to diaper a baby classes.  Pass by the books on how to nurture and support your child's feelings.  While there is usful information in these items they really aren't going to be able to give you the in depth knowledge you'll need to survive...of course I mean joyfully raise your child.

What you need is advanced coursework in psychological nursing.  Think Nurse Ratchett type stuff.  I don't mean the ins and outs of pharmaceuticals, I leave that to doctors.  I'm talking about the skill set of listening to the ramblings of deranged, psychotic, pathological liars while restraining the desire to choke the living shit out of them.  To be able to temper your own need to vomit after listening to their paranoid delusions of persecution and to quite honestly fake expressions of compassion, sympathy and of course understanding.  If none of that works it would also be handy to know how to get someone in a head lock quickly and usher them to their rooms to contain them for your safety and theirs.

You may be wondering why I'm mentioning the need for these skills.  Well, it turns out that I am woefully lacking in them.  My son, the pre-teen God of the house, greeted me this morning with one of the more lame and ridiculous lies I've ever had the misfortune to endure.  And since I am not the developmentally challanged tree sloth he believes me to be, I knew he was lying.  I hadn't even had my tea yet and I knew he lied, that is saying something.

He lied about making his sandwich or not for lunch.  I said, "Really, that's nice, I was going to make it.  What did you think of the new container I put the salami in?"  Instead of the usual, "Why would you put it a container?  Jees, that's silly" he turned away from me, walked out and said, "It was nice."  I followed him asking what he thought, he finally said, "Oh didn't see container I found a bag of it in the drawer"  Really?  I used up the last bit of that the other day to make his sandwiches and just bought more yesterday.  There was no bag.  "Teddy, if I checked your bag would I find a salami sandwich?"  Teddy, "Well, there's a sandwich"  After getting the bag, yes there are 2 slices of bread in the container but that's it.

I sit down at the kitchen table, send Connor and Tessi out of the room, turn to Teddy and in my best calm voice (still sans tea), "Um, Teddy...What the Hell?"


Silence. 

Head turns away.

Again I ask.  Annoyance is rapidly turning to rage.  He says he was tired.  Right.  He lied because he was tired.  Try again kid.  Then he just wasn't thinking.  That one made me smile.  He concocted a story about seeing a bag of salami and he wasn't thinking?  That's impressive.  Not too many people can make that claim.

I mention how he was always the kid who told the truth and over the past few months he's been lying about everything but his name.  Really stupid stuff.  Like, "Oh, you watching tv and playing the Touch"  "No, I"m not!"  He's sitting on the couch watching tv and the touch is lit up while in his hands.  Oh, ok.  My bad.

As I'm wheedling him down and trying to break his reserve I notice that his jaw is clenching and he's snorting his nose a bit.  Wait...sorry...you are mad at me?

Winner!!!!!  He's mad at me because I never believe him!  Now my rage has turned to a near fit like spasm in my brain and my words start slurring.  He is in his room right now furious that I never believe him and I don't trust him.  This has all ended up as my fault!  Sheer Genius on his part!

This is the part where being a psych nurse would have been helpful.  Perhaps if I could have keep calm and impassive rather than having the contempt and rage ooze out of my face it would have ended a wee bit more rationally.  Sadly, I was a Communications Major with a Minor in Criminal Justice in college.  So I my skills lay in being able to communicate that I know how to catch him being a lying little shit.

I would like to go on record as saying that I do love him and yes, he is breathing right now.  That's all I got.