I'm Afriad I'm Becomming One of THOSE People

I have a problem.  I'm in between two groups of people and I have to make a decision as to what to do and I really don't know how to handle it.

Tessi is on a basketball team of 7 and 8 year old girls and boys.  She has 2 of her super BFF's on her team and not one kid knows the first thing about basketball.  That's ok.  They are all out their doing really silly stuff but they are having fun.  Some of the time anyway.  A lot of the time, no....they are not having fun.  There in lies the problem.

Two of the boys are aggressive.  They are both constantly banging into each other, pushing and shoving. They push and shove everyone else, regardless of ball position or floor position or well, anything.  The ref whistles and they will run down the court with the ball long after the whistle has been blown, taking time away from the game to set back up.  They will not leave the court when time to sub out and they take the ball out of the hands of their teammates.  Neither boy seems even aware any one else at all, kids or adults.

Both boys are on the Autistic Spectrum.  I know this because yesterday I recognized one of them.

When I realized the boy was familiar I looked to the sidelines and sure enough, I saw his mother.  A very sweet lady I met at Lifestart, an early intervention service here in Australia that I took both Connor and Tessi to.  Tessi was in a group with this little boy.  I remember him well.  I walked over and started chatting to the mom and she remembered me and was excited to see me.  She was thrilled to hear that both my girls were in mainstream schools and elated to see her boy and Tessi reunited on the team.  She said that her son was doing well at St. Lucy's - a local private school for kids with special needs.  She went on and on about how she had been worried that he couldn't do basketball because he didn't know the rules but none of the kids knew them so it was ok, right?  She was so happy...her son...on a regular team.  The glee, relief and pride.  It was all there on her face.  The other little boy, another boy from Lifestart and from St. Lucy's.  They are friends.  Or at least they understand that they recognize each other and neither one yells when they hit each other.

How do I tell this proud mother that the other kids on the team and a few of the parents want her son beaten to a bloody pulp? Right now everyone just thinks they are ill-mannered, rude little monsters.  They have no idea that the boys have special needs. They don't know he has problems regulating his emotions and he has no idea about the differences between appropriate behavior and not.  He can't discern between being ok to take the ball from one kid but not the other.  He NEEDS to feel the contact of banging into people because it's how he keeps in sync with his surroundings.  Just the fact that he is able to participate in a mainstream game is bordering on miraculous.

Why am I in the middle?  Just announce to the other teammates that the boys need extra help or go to the mom and tell her that the parents are about to revolt?  It's not the simple.

My girls have always held a dubious place on the Autistic Spectrum.  Because they are mild when we would go to groups and therapies other people would look at us like we really shouldn't be there.  I used to comment that I felt we weren't Black enough for them.  Meaning that the other parents looked at each other with this, "This is our club, why is SHE here?"  No one was blatantly rude, but the condescension, ooph, that was present.  It would be supremely annoying to try and get help for our problems only to hear from other parents that they wished they had it so good.  Now my girls are in a mainstream school and can participate in some activities, but we all worked hard for that, it wasn't easy. It still isn't easy.

Now I feel like my girls are "passing" for normal.  I do not hide that they are Autistic, NEVER.  I say it upfront to parents when I feel they need to know.  If they don't need to know than I don't tell them.  Acting this way now has me feel like I'm with the cool kids looking down on the different kid.  And it shames me.

I don't want to be that person.  That parent that acts like they've forgotten what it's like when other kids stare at your kids and wonder what the Hell is wrong. That parent that doesn't remember getting glares from other parents with the, "Do you even know how to discipline your child" look.  I am always watchful for kids reactions to things and I try to act understanding until I find out the situation.  I remember every scornful look I've ever received.  Every glare, every pitiful look.  I have all the pictures I took of the girls to help make visual cue cards for them.  I can see every look of disappointment on Teddy's face when we said we couldn't' do some activity because the girls couldn't handle it. 

I haven't forgotten a God Damn thing.

But where is the balance?  Don't kids deserve to just play a game without being afraid of being pummeled for no reason?  Doesn't a child who has worked for YEARS deserve a chance to play a simple game?

I will talk to the mother.  I don't want her to be blindsided by people she doesn't know.  I will take my daughter's close friends parents aside and talk to them.  I don't know the answer.  I'm pretty sure it's one of those situations where someone is going to end up crying and it will be adult.  I'm positive I will be one of those adults but still not sure which side I'll be crying for.