Happy Birthday Mom

I didn't think of my Mom on November 2nd a few months ago because I forgot. Horrible to say, God, even as I type that I feel this knot in my stomach just teeming with guilt.  Whooo, thank God I 'm a lapsed Catholic or else the guilt would really nail me.  It's a lousy excuse, but I was still recovering from our insane Halloween party, I still had house guests, the kids were in FULL KID MODE, each pulling hideous KID STUNTS. It was one of those times that I hit the ground running in the morning and ran like Hell all day until I passed out at night or a normal work day as I like to call it.  I felt sick to my stomach a few days later when I remembered. I felt like she was really gone because if I don't remember her no one does. I fell apart crying to Ted about how awful I was when he said the most profound and wonderful thing. "The day she died is a terrible day to think of your mom. Why hold onto one of the worst days of your life to remember someone you loved?"

He's right...damnit. I'm going have to live him gloating about that.

So today I remember you Mom. Today would have been your birthday.  This is for you.

I'm doing better about you dying.  It's been almost 5 1/2 years and I'm not as angry as I was.  Oh I'm still pissed at the government and the state of health care in the US.  I still fly off the handle at anyone who moans about socialized health care and whines about choices being taken away by having care available to anyone regards of means to pay for it.  But I've stopped wishing those people be forced to watch their mother die because she can't afford her medicine...I realized that I couldn't be that evil.  Watching my own was enough.

Fortunately most of my friends and family who are on the "OTHER" side either respect me enough or don't want to piss me off enough to not bait me about politics.  I do appreciate that kindness.  So I'm still a bit angry I guess, but I'm channeling it better.  That's progress right?

So less anger and more happy memories.  I chose to remember you before the stroke, before things got so bad.  When you were a force to be reckoned with and had a will of iron.  The woman who worked her way through college despite family telling her how immoral it was, the woman who was the teacher who put the fear of Mrs. Welch into a household phrase and the woman who started a newspaper in a small town and the woman and the woman who was one of the best grandmas I'd ever met.  You were never perfect but man, did you love your grandson.  You would have loved the girls just as much I know but you died before you could really know them.  People laugh and say Tessi is just like me when I groan about her stubbornness..but they're wrong.  She's you, all you.  Except about the cooking, she has to get that from Ted.  None of the women on our side like to cook.

Mom, you always wanted to come to Australia.  I'm so sorry you didn't make it.  But I did.  My family is here now and it's even more than you could have imagined.  You would have loved it here.  You would have loved the flowers and the birds.  Not the spiders and bugs though....only Dad is crazy enough to like those things.  Even he took a step back at some of those creatures.  Ugh.

Be at peace Mom.  I love you and I miss you. Happy Birthday.