I'm Bored.

Quite possibly the stupidest phrase ever uttered. This phrase is an award winner not only for the word meanings but also for the timing in which they are said.

I'm bored said when sitting around in a concrete block room with no stimuli is stupid because it's obvious. No kidding Einstein, of course you're bored. Tell me something new.

I'm bored said after an intensely exciting activity has completed and before the next one starts is silly because you just look impatient.

I'm bored said to your mother after she has run all over hell to get you things, take you to and from places is simply unintelligent.


Complaining to your mother that your friend will be bored coming over on Friday because computers and Xbox are still banned is stupid in biblical proportions. Doing it when you have tv, a swimming pool, 6000 Nerf guns, $100's in Warhammer figures, a trampoline, skateboards and bikes and the bush is a new level of mind numbing density that physicists around are lining up to argue if String Theory could explain it. And by the way, it can't.

Saying all that to a mother that's already pissed off at you for commenting, "Hey watch it!" when dings the side of the car door is tantamount to shouting," Hey total stranger, please kill me slowly with marshmellows and Mod Podge!" it's off the charts. There is no gauge to measure the level of this.

That's the thing about parenting that's the hardest. You have kids saying and doing thing so colossally stupid that your head spins the same things that if it was adult you would have society's full support in beating their faces in with your car keys and dropping buckets of tar on them. See I know grown ups that are jerks and who say clueless, heartless and mean things. I handle my anger at them by either ignoring them or utilizing my talents in revenge.

It's hell being clever and a right foul bitch sometimes, but other times it's pretty damn handy.

But with kids the rules are completely different. Since its children not only am I not allowed to do those things I expected to SMILE through their diatribe and say whimsically about how life isn't that bad and Mommy will find something for them to do.

What...the...Hell?

So let me get this straight - I'm to be nurturing and caring to people actively trying to piss me off and hurt my feelings? When for the last 20 years Ive been honing my skills to deal with people to act this way in revenge and crushing spirits?

So now I take deep breaths. I count to 10, sometimes several times. I have mantas: Unclench your jaw. Release the negative energy. Don't daydream about swinging for the cheap seats. That sort thing.

So when you catch me muttering to myself, I'm not crazy. I'm rechanneling my thoughts and energies into a more positive and structured usage.

And my kids will survive the day without me plotting against them. At least for a little while.