Give Props When its Due

I haven't written for a few days because I really couldn't think of anything interesting to say.  Does Writer's Block only apply to professional writers and students the night before a paper is due?  Not sure.  The school holidays are upon me and I've been up to my neck in kids who have been acting their normal psychotic selves...nothing extraordinary to write about.  In 2 days we're leaving for Melbourne and I know I'll have a ton to write about then.  I really haven't wanted to start writing the, "I made the kids do chores and I washed the dishes" type of  riveting entries so I've been waiting for something worthy to happen.  And may I say was this morning worth the wait.  So here's to you my son, truly you have inspired me today.  Yes indeed, you really hit it out of the park for the team.  I'm actually still a little bit in awe of you.  Your efforts have not gone unnoticed and I promise you there will be a reward waiting for you once I can unclench my fingers and and get the eye twitch to go down enough that I'm not permanently winking at everyone.

So let us begin....Teddy started catching a cold yesterday.  That's a pain in my ass for 2 reasons. 
1.  He's asthmatic and colds turn to asthma quickly.
2.  We leave for Melbourne in 2 days and it will SUCK if he's sick.
3.  Wait!  Thought of something else, I need his help around here trying to get stuff cleaned and packed and ready to go and if he's sick he has too good of an excuse not to help.

This morning he was feeling a little better but he said his chest hurt a bit.  Ok, that's my first warning that things are kicking up a notch and I ask where his puffer (inhaler) is.  This is when the joy starts.  "Ummm,  I"m not sure...."  Great.  He's had a couple sporting events lately so it could be in one of several kit bags.  Not good.  So I trot off to his room to find it.  This is when the joy starts to hit the fan.  His room is a cesspool.  No, I'm serious.  It's vile.  He has candy wrappers stuffed into the book shelf, dirty clothes and clean clothes all over the floor.  Water bottles and cups everywhere.  Those god damn Nerf bullets shoved in places that the laws of physics can't explain.

What.the.Hell.is.going.on?

He has been sent to his room at LEAST 2 times in the past 6 days to clean.  He's gone in and spent a good 30-40 minutes in there.  Maybe it shouldn't be perfect but I shouldn't be able to use the words fetid and rancid in describing it.  That's when I hear him walk up behind me.  I didn't even turn to look at him.  I just said, "Let's go for honesty here...when you can in here to clean, you just sat down and did nothing, right?"  "Ummm, no.  I cleaned for a few minutes and then sat down and did nothing."  Me:  "A few minutes?"  Himself: " Well, I moved some stuff around"

Let's hear it for honesty.  I can honestly say that my eye started twitching at that moment.  But then he coughed and then I knew I was out of time so I start diving into the swill.  All the while I keep saying, "You know I love you right?"  "RIGHT?!!"  I want it said out loud in case I'm questioned about this later on.  As I'm picking through the rubble I stumble across a lizard.  No, a small one.  Still annoying so I told him he felt well enough to get it the Hell out of his room.  Captain Genius then tells me it's been there for a few days and it doesn't bother him.

Wow.  It doesn't bother him.  I'm so happy for his bonding with Nature moment, I really am.  However I felt the need to remind him that it DID bother me and to get up off of his ASS and get the damn lizard OUT.  In a calm, caring and full of respect kind of tone.  Lizard is removed.  Very humanely, I promise you Nature loving, spider worshiping, cicada cheering wackos out there.  You know who you are...

Back to the fun.  Rejoice!  I find not one but both of his inhaler chambers.  BUT the actual medicine tubes are gone.  I turn to Teddy and ask where they are, since they are not in the bags with the chambers.  This is the good part, wait for it....

HE ACTUALLY ADMITS THAT HE RAN OUT OF THE MEDICINE AND HE THINKS HE THREW THEM AWAY AND DIDN'T TELL ME!

I was so proud of myself...I very calmly say that I'll have to get new medicine as soon as the chemist opens in a hour or so. 

Then I say that he needs to eat something so I can give him his Tylenol/Pandol, and have him rest a bit and then he needs to actually clean something up in his room.

That's when all Hell breaks loose.  He exploded.  Sobbing furious tears, flinging himself down onto his bed and screaming into his pillow.  As god as my witness I have to idea what's happened.  I looked around to see if Connor was in the doorway making obscene gestures or something.  Nope, no one there.  I was kinda hoping she was there because honestly, I had no idea what the Hell was going on.  It took me 30 minutes to get him calmed down enough to get him to say that I hurt his feelings by saying "I loved him" over and over and then daring to say he needed to clean the room.  Wow...teen hormones?  Um, if they could be bottled I swear the body builders could give up the steroids.  I've seen guys suffering from 'Roid Rage and they have NOTHING on my kid.

So I explain to Himself that I say "I love you" repeatedly like that when I'm pissed off because I don't want to say something that could be held against me in a court of law.  Judges are famous for frowning on custodial parents uttering, "I can't &$%#&# believe you &^%$#* did this and I swear to *&^#*^% God I could take these *^%#$*$ Nerf bullets and shove them up your *^%$*^$*^% rear end until they come out your %$*^% nose.  So I try to censor myself...you know, be the adult in the room.  Since I don't do that a whole lot I'm actually quite proud of myself for being able to accomplish that in some small way. Chalk one up for Mommy!  Or so I thought.  Apparently it was just another one of my Evil Troll Mom mannerisms designed to destroy his life.   I really need to start using my powers for good as well as evil.  He starts to calm down and that's when I notice that the sobbing and hiccuping has been replaced with coughing.  Croup-like coughing.

Son.of.a.bitch...he's having an asthma attack and I have no medicine.  Bloody, bloody buggering Hell.  Now this is where the twitch combines with rapid blinking.

I race the the cabinet and can't find any prescriptions for the meds.  I did find an asthma card in my purse so I put Teddy to bed, grab the girls and drive like hell to my local chemist.  The girls of course are panicking and crying that Teddy is dying.  I'm trying to park the damn car inbetween 2 jackasses who don't get the park in the middle of the lines concept while trying to calmly tell the girls to knock it off and stop sobbing.  I get the Ventolin and race back and give him his inhaler.  It works straight away and now 2 hours later he's up and driving me nuts going to check the mail as he's waiting on his Xbox Chat pad to arrive. 

***Before I get inundated with hate mail asking if I've heard of an Emergency Room, his asthma is mild.  He was coughing but was still breathing with NO wheeze.  The chemist is 4 minutes away by car, 3 if you don't give a damn about speed limits.  If I had any concerns about his ability to breathe or the ability of the medicine to work I would have driven him straight to ER...***

I mention him be up and around because I want everyone to know that I have not killed him.  He is alive, breathing on his own and there are no marks on him.  I have successfully contained my rage and have not released the wrath of Khan onto him and I've done this because I channeled my energy into plotting his demise.  The entire drive to and from the chemist I plotted how I was going to beat his ass into the ground...after I save him with the medicine.  When I was stuttering to the chemist about why I needed the medicine - fabulous lady by the way, really hauled around to get what I needed - I was visualizing printing out every naked baby picture I have of him and handing them out at assembly at school.  I mentally locate the class list in my mind and pick out the phone numbers of the girls I'm going to call and discuss Teddy's initial disinterest in potty training.  When you're driving like Hell up and down a long road you can come up with a lot of revenge options. 

He's fine and now my blinking eye twitch is reduced to faint THWAB behind my left eye.  Now I can look back and see that my first mistake was 2 weeks ago when he came home from his school cricket game and I didn't say, "Put your puffer in the cabinet" and dealing with the lack of meds then.  My second mistake was finishing off the last bottle of champers last night and having to go through the rest of today sober.