Give Props When its Due

I haven't written for a few days because I really couldn't think of anything interesting to say.  Does Writer's Block only apply to professional writers and students the night before a paper is due?  Not sure.  The school holidays are upon me and I've been up to my neck in kids who have been acting their normal psychotic selves...nothing extraordinary to write about.  In 2 days we're leaving for Melbourne and I know I'll have a ton to write about then.  I really haven't wanted to start writing the, "I made the kids do chores and I washed the dishes" type of  riveting entries so I've been waiting for something worthy to happen.  And may I say was this morning worth the wait.  So here's to you my son, truly you have inspired me today.  Yes indeed, you really hit it out of the park for the team.  I'm actually still a little bit in awe of you.  Your efforts have not gone unnoticed and I promise you there will be a reward waiting for you once I can unclench my fingers and and get the eye twitch to go down enough that I'm not permanently winking at everyone.

So let us begin....Teddy started catching a cold yesterday.  That's a pain in my ass for 2 reasons. 
1.  He's asthmatic and colds turn to asthma quickly.
2.  We leave for Melbourne in 2 days and it will SUCK if he's sick.
3.  Wait!  Thought of something else, I need his help around here trying to get stuff cleaned and packed and ready to go and if he's sick he has too good of an excuse not to help.

This morning he was feeling a little better but he said his chest hurt a bit.  Ok, that's my first warning that things are kicking up a notch and I ask where his puffer (inhaler) is.  This is when the joy starts.  "Ummm,  I"m not sure...."  Great.  He's had a couple sporting events lately so it could be in one of several kit bags.  Not good.  So I trot off to his room to find it.  This is when the joy starts to hit the fan.  His room is a cesspool.  No, I'm serious.  It's vile.  He has candy wrappers stuffed into the book shelf, dirty clothes and clean clothes all over the floor.  Water bottles and cups everywhere.  Those god damn Nerf bullets shoved in places that the laws of physics can't explain.

What.the.Hell.is.going.on?

He has been sent to his room at LEAST 2 times in the past 6 days to clean.  He's gone in and spent a good 30-40 minutes in there.  Maybe it shouldn't be perfect but I shouldn't be able to use the words fetid and rancid in describing it.  That's when I hear him walk up behind me.  I didn't even turn to look at him.  I just said, "Let's go for honesty here...when you can in here to clean, you just sat down and did nothing, right?"  "Ummm, no.  I cleaned for a few minutes and then sat down and did nothing."  Me:  "A few minutes?"  Himself: " Well, I moved some stuff around"

Let's hear it for honesty.  I can honestly say that my eye started twitching at that moment.  But then he coughed and then I knew I was out of time so I start diving into the swill.  All the while I keep saying, "You know I love you right?"  "RIGHT?!!"  I want it said out loud in case I'm questioned about this later on.  As I'm picking through the rubble I stumble across a lizard.  No, a small one.  Still annoying so I told him he felt well enough to get it the Hell out of his room.  Captain Genius then tells me it's been there for a few days and it doesn't bother him.

Wow.  It doesn't bother him.  I'm so happy for his bonding with Nature moment, I really am.  However I felt the need to remind him that it DID bother me and to get up off of his ASS and get the damn lizard OUT.  In a calm, caring and full of respect kind of tone.  Lizard is removed.  Very humanely, I promise you Nature loving, spider worshiping, cicada cheering wackos out there.  You know who you are...

Back to the fun.  Rejoice!  I find not one but both of his inhaler chambers.  BUT the actual medicine tubes are gone.  I turn to Teddy and ask where they are, since they are not in the bags with the chambers.  This is the good part, wait for it....

HE ACTUALLY ADMITS THAT HE RAN OUT OF THE MEDICINE AND HE THINKS HE THREW THEM AWAY AND DIDN'T TELL ME!

I was so proud of myself...I very calmly say that I'll have to get new medicine as soon as the chemist opens in a hour or so. 

Then I say that he needs to eat something so I can give him his Tylenol/Pandol, and have him rest a bit and then he needs to actually clean something up in his room.

That's when all Hell breaks loose.  He exploded.  Sobbing furious tears, flinging himself down onto his bed and screaming into his pillow.  As god as my witness I have to idea what's happened.  I looked around to see if Connor was in the doorway making obscene gestures or something.  Nope, no one there.  I was kinda hoping she was there because honestly, I had no idea what the Hell was going on.  It took me 30 minutes to get him calmed down enough to get him to say that I hurt his feelings by saying "I loved him" over and over and then daring to say he needed to clean the room.  Wow...teen hormones?  Um, if they could be bottled I swear the body builders could give up the steroids.  I've seen guys suffering from 'Roid Rage and they have NOTHING on my kid.

So I explain to Himself that I say "I love you" repeatedly like that when I'm pissed off because I don't want to say something that could be held against me in a court of law.  Judges are famous for frowning on custodial parents uttering, "I can't &$%#&# believe you &^%$#* did this and I swear to *&^#*^% God I could take these *^%#$*$ Nerf bullets and shove them up your *^%$*^$*^% rear end until they come out your %$*^% nose.  So I try to censor myself...you know, be the adult in the room.  Since I don't do that a whole lot I'm actually quite proud of myself for being able to accomplish that in some small way. Chalk one up for Mommy!  Or so I thought.  Apparently it was just another one of my Evil Troll Mom mannerisms designed to destroy his life.   I really need to start using my powers for good as well as evil.  He starts to calm down and that's when I notice that the sobbing and hiccuping has been replaced with coughing.  Croup-like coughing.

Son.of.a.bitch...he's having an asthma attack and I have no medicine.  Bloody, bloody buggering Hell.  Now this is where the twitch combines with rapid blinking.

I race the the cabinet and can't find any prescriptions for the meds.  I did find an asthma card in my purse so I put Teddy to bed, grab the girls and drive like hell to my local chemist.  The girls of course are panicking and crying that Teddy is dying.  I'm trying to park the damn car inbetween 2 jackasses who don't get the park in the middle of the lines concept while trying to calmly tell the girls to knock it off and stop sobbing.  I get the Ventolin and race back and give him his inhaler.  It works straight away and now 2 hours later he's up and driving me nuts going to check the mail as he's waiting on his Xbox Chat pad to arrive. 

***Before I get inundated with hate mail asking if I've heard of an Emergency Room, his asthma is mild.  He was coughing but was still breathing with NO wheeze.  The chemist is 4 minutes away by car, 3 if you don't give a damn about speed limits.  If I had any concerns about his ability to breathe or the ability of the medicine to work I would have driven him straight to ER...***

I mention him be up and around because I want everyone to know that I have not killed him.  He is alive, breathing on his own and there are no marks on him.  I have successfully contained my rage and have not released the wrath of Khan onto him and I've done this because I channeled my energy into plotting his demise.  The entire drive to and from the chemist I plotted how I was going to beat his ass into the ground...after I save him with the medicine.  When I was stuttering to the chemist about why I needed the medicine - fabulous lady by the way, really hauled around to get what I needed - I was visualizing printing out every naked baby picture I have of him and handing them out at assembly at school.  I mentally locate the class list in my mind and pick out the phone numbers of the girls I'm going to call and discuss Teddy's initial disinterest in potty training.  When you're driving like Hell up and down a long road you can come up with a lot of revenge options. 

He's fine and now my blinking eye twitch is reduced to faint THWAB behind my left eye.  Now I can look back and see that my first mistake was 2 weeks ago when he came home from his school cricket game and I didn't say, "Put your puffer in the cabinet" and dealing with the lack of meds then.  My second mistake was finishing off the last bottle of champers last night and having to go through the rest of today sober.

Telltale Signs of Age

 I'm pretty sure I got old the other day.  No...I'm sure.  It's been a long time in coming but I've finally figured the meaning of Life and at what point you stop being young and what point you become old.  Before you roll your eyes and mutter that you aren't here for a self help book let me explain.  This has nothing to do with my birthday being last week.  Trust me, very little that occurs on my birthday is actually about my birthday.  Nor does it have to do with that weird nagging pain in I get in my hands when I try to hold a needle too long or try to manipulate my wood working tools.  Oddly enough it has nothing to do with my son turning to me and ask me how I feel being so close to death.

The true epiphany came on Saturday when I took Teddy to see The Hunger Games.  Nope, you're wrong there too.  It's not about it being a teen movie in a theater filled with loud annoying teens.  Nope.  It was the seats.  I had comfy seats.  When I bought the tickets a week before the only showing available was the spiffy Vmax seats.  $20 a pop.  I was pissed but I wanted to see the movie and the regular seats were $15 so really, was it that much?

When we arrived the lights were still on 'cause I was so eager for my "having a life" to start we got to the theater 30 minutes early.  Teddy and I juggled our ridiculously expensive beverages and snacks and headed down the isle.  Now Australia has assigned seating in their theaters.  I'm not sure why.  It doesn't stop anyone from sitting wherever the Hell they want and half the time you have to say, "Excuse me Mate, you're in my seat"  Only though if the theater is 1/2 way full.  Anything less than you're considered the ass for making a big deal about seats.  No manual to learn that one.  Had to find that gem out the hard way.

But we were in luck and no one was in our seats and when we sat down I knew immediately there was a profound difference.  The seats were larger than normal, in a boxy modern shape that's popular now for the in home theaters.  Not that I have one, but I do see them in magazines.  The seats were made out of a very soft and supple genuine Naugahyde that was a dream to sit on. There was a built in cup holder in between all seats, even the end one had it's own.  No more fighting for the right to put your drink next to you!  Then if that wasn't enough right in front of each cup holder was a very tiny light.  Not so bright as to interfere with the movie experience but just enough to allow you to rest your drink down quickly, quietly and comfortably without accidentally missing the hole and putting the entire drink in your neighbors lap.  Oh the decadence. 

I was just a quivering mess.  I could not believe our good fortune.  Who knew such luxury was just a few dollars away?  Why have they been hiding this?  Advertising people!  It's a great way to let the public know what's going one.  I turned to Teddy with real tears in my eyes, "Oh Honey, we could get these seats again the next time we come out to the movies!"  Then he looked at me oddly.  Well, I shouldn't say oddly because it's really not odd for him to give me that look.  "It's just a seat Mom"  then followed with unspoken, yet very loud, "You dumb ass"

That's when I knew.  I had willingly extra for comfort.  The experience wasn't enough.  I had to be comfortable in order to enjoy the entire event. 

That's what old people do.

When I was a junior in college my 2 girlfriends and I drove 13 hours to Daytona and spent a week in a hotel with 3 guys we knew(a little bit, we went to school with them)  and had a Helluva good time at Spring Break.    It was a hotel in that a person owned a building with lots of rooms and all the rooms had a side room with a toilet and a shower and there was a TV near the beds and people gave him money to let them stay there.  I hope there was some sort of inspection process when it was built but I wouldn't testify to it in court.  I think there was a window.  But that was a great trip in my memory and I loved it.  Not one extra cent spent on comfort.  All extra cash when to the daily beer allotment.

Last week I booked a holiday in Melbourne and I refused to get a cabin smaller than 3 bedrooms.  I am NOT sharing with either the girls or the boys....I need my space and an entire bed to myself.  I don't care what it costs.  I paid extra for comfort.

That's what old people do.

When I was 27 I bought this gorgeous gray suit for work.  It had a short jacket and a very long skirt.  I bought a pair of gray strappy sandals that matched perfectly.  They didn't match anything else I owned.  When I wore them the sandals would cut out strips of flesh all over my feet.  When I stumbled out to my car at the end of the day I had to pee the straps off before I could slide the shoe off and then had to go straight home and put my feet up for a few hours.  I had to force myself to only wear it every 2 weeks...I loved that outfit. 

I just bought myself another pair sandals because the last ones are too dirty and disgusting to wear anymore because I wear them every day.  So expensive here in Australia I have to by them on Ebay in the US.  Bought only for comfort.  I have no idea if it matches anything I wear.  I can not handle even tiniest amount of foot pain.

That's what old people do.

I've finally accepted it.  Even though I've been to Metallica concerts, I can still out swear most people around me and I'm the one who taught Teddy and his friend how to use their elbows to stop a drive to the basket....I am now old.  I'm willing to pay extra for my comfort.

So go ahead and make your jokes.  I'll be sitting in my amazing fake leather seats with my comfy shoes.  Leave me alone.