Problem or Not

An old dear friend contacted me the other day because she was concerned about her son.  He's quite young and his teacher mentioned that she was concerned he was on the Spectrum.  I was happy to talk to her because well, I feel I have to.  I knew nothing when we started on our journey and if I could help her in any way then by God, I would.  After a few rounds of email it seems in my ever humble opinion, that the carer is really pulling this out of her butt.  That being said, a major carer has raised a concern and I believe that should be respected so my friend is taking her little one to the dr.

That really has gotten me to thinking.  Which is of course good and inherently dangerous.  Where is the line drawn between whinning about every possible thing a toddler does and being aggressive and advocating for your child's care?

Autism is in the news almost daily now.  That is a good thing.  It is.  So many children have just been labeled mentally retarded, slow, dim-witted or the all-encompassing, "Bad" yet they have managable issues.  When we got our diagnosis I was stunned by the  dozens of  indicators Autism mentioned because I thought they were normal toddler pain in the ass things.  Tantrumming, refusal to eat, inability to share, difficulty grasping pencils and scissors.  The scissors question used to crack me up.  At 17 and 18 months for Connor and Tessi I was asked if they could use scissors correctly.  I responded the same way every time, "How the Hell would I know?  You think I'm stupid enough to let them hold scissors?"  But all of this was very important but in levels and degrees.  All kids throw hissy fits.  That's normal.  Throwing a hissy fit for hours is not.  Refusing to eat is normal.  Eating things only of one type of texture (all puddings or creams, or nothing cold) is not.  Not sharing toys is normal.  Not understanding that there are other creatures in the room who are just like you is not.

But none of this is instinctual!  June Cleaver woudn't have had the first buggering clue what to do if the Beav was Autistic.  Who the Hell knows if a behavior is normal or excessive?  For Christ's sake, at that time I had 3 children under the age of 7, the last two were 13 months apart, my husband was working 12 hour days and we had just moved 5 hours away from our family and friends.  The first 2 years of Tessi's life are an absolute blur.  That's with the normal stuff.  Throw in diagnosing 2 toddlers with Autism and well....I honestly didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

Knowing what I went through I usually explode into unprintable obscenities when I hear some jackass complain about all the Autism and kids were allowed be kids when we were young and the best one....the kid would be fine if you'd just discipline them.  That one...ooooh, I've got a few stories about dealing with assholes who were dumb enough to say that in front of me.  Just me people, if there was anyone in the planet who wanted to be able to solve my girls problems with a couple whacks on the bottom and a few more time outs, it was me.  Listening to these people pontificate about the demise of society because so many kids were being labeled Autistic as if it's such a great club to be included in.  "Ooooh, see Lauren!  Her son just got his dsm iv criteria met!  He's on the Spectrum! Wow, can you imagine the celebrating tonight?  There won't be a goat safe for miles!!  Damn, I wish I could get one for my kid!"  Yeah, what-freakin-ever.  You can have mine.  We have two.

No one just goes out and gets a diagnosis.  No, no, no.  Your loser neighbor who sits all day watching her stories and hasn't seen the inside of her kitchen for a year and her kids run around beating animals with sticks does not count.  She didn't get a diagnosis.  She watched Jerry Springer or Montel and heard the fancy word and is using it.  You know how you can tell?  'Cause she hasn't been asking you and everyone else, "Something just seems odd, I can't put my finger on it.  Did your child do "name weird behavior" or you mean your child doesn't sit and bang his head over and over"  Those people are jumping on bandwagons.  They aren't ever caught crying because their kids has been kicking them in the leg for 4 hours no matter what you do to stop them.  And you know what, for every 1 of them there are 50 at least, real cases of Austism.  You can't call your dr and ask for a refill of your blood pressure meds and oh, by the way, can I get you to type a letter saying Miss Thang is on the Autistic Spectrum."  It's months of appointments with several EXPENSIVE therapists, drs and clinicians before you get that bad boy.  So if you're hearing about a kid going through treatment for Spectrum related issues - they freakin need it.

However, if I'm honest, there is another side.  The side my friend presented to me.  Her child's teacher raised a concern that he might be on the Spectrum.  He's a loner.    He's still engaged in Parallel Play.  That's really it.  Really?  This gets a conference with a parent?  A 2-year old prefers to play alone at school rather than with friends?  He has excellent, developing speech, he sits and plays longer than 30 seconds, he interacts with his twin sister very well and does communicate with the teachers and his parents.  THIS?

What?  As my friend was describing the symptoms all I could do was compare mine at the same age.  Speech?  Connor maxed out at 5 words and then lost all but 1 of them.  Connor and Tessi both could have someone call their names from 2 feet away and they would ignore them.  Tantrums?  Christ....Tessi would follow me from room to room so she could kick me.

But what is my friend to do?  Go to the dr.  Yes, I know.  I don't think the boy is in danger either.  But then again, I avoided med school like the plague.  A person responsible for providing a large amount of his care has raised a concern.  I'll willing to bet money it's pointless, but so my friend can sleep at night without wondering if she's done enough I say go to the dr.

Sadly, with Autism it's really better to have people a bit jumpy and examining the absurd.  If the hairs are prickling on the back of your neck...then go.  Don't say, "I think my child has Autism"  Say, "Something is strange.  I don't know what."  If your dr laughs at your or tells you to unclench, then you are at the wrong dr.  You can get a free evaluation from ECI - Early Childhood Intervention in the US.  In Australia you can get a gp referral to an evaluation center.  The closet one to me is in Chatswood, but they are all over.

Get it checked out.  THEN we can come up with jokes about what the hell was the teacher thinking.

Manic Mondays

Here we are....the second week of school holidays. So far no one has called the cops on me...at least as far as I know, there may be a backlog. So I'm calling it good. Just took Tessi to school and Teddy and Connor are fighting over...as God as my witness, I have no idea. I just here yelling and I'm tuning it out. I'm going to wait until actually bleeding starts before I do anything. I'm not even 1/2 through my 2nd cup of tea for God's sake....no jury would convict.

Today we are meeting with Connor's pediatrician. In OZ you only see the pediatrician for serious things...everything else is done by a gp. Today I want to talk to the dr about Connor and her anxiety issues. I'm trying to get her looked at by Children's Westmeade Development Center, as suggested by her Kindy teacher. I would swear on my limited knowledge of Autism that Connor has Asperger's. This should be impossible since she started with a profound speech delay. But everything about her screams Asperger's. Inappropriate emotions, savant-like memory of the obscure and inane and zero memory of what the rest of us perceive as important.

I'm hoping to find some more insight into this insane affliction. 4 years of living in the Spectrum really hasn't taught me all I need to know. In fact, not even close. One of my favorite pearls of wisdom about all of this, "Something may be a definate sign of Autism; unless it isn't" I love that one. Meaning that lining up toys all in a row can be a massive red flag for Autism; unless of course your child just likes to line things up...then it isn't a sign. No wonder so many of us parents go barking mad.

So we'll see what Dr. Cohen says today. If anything. He may just tell me to unclench and relax. Oh so helpful. Another pearl of wisdom people have for parents of Autistics. Please do me one favor, those of you who do NOT have a loved one on the Spectrum. If only just today, if you meet someone who's child is Autistic, do NOT tell them to relax, that everything will be alright. As helpful as you think you are being; you really are being the opposite. We don't get to relax. We have to on guard all the time, watchful for new signs and symptoms to start therapy for and have to constantly explain our child's odd behavior and try to plan for the future. You see, for your children at ages 5 and 4, they still have boundless options. Mine do not. Mine already have limits and the more I do now...at a young age...the more of a chance they have in the future to exceed those limits.

Well, that turned out to be more of a rant than I was planning. Must be the cold medicine and the fighting over...sigh...still don't know what that was all about. If I'm honest though, I really don't want to know.