Sometimes They are are just Too Damn Funny

Tessi's birthday is in a few days.  I'm surprised you don't know about it as she has been announcing it to any carbon-based entity that stops long enough to listen.  Fair enough, she's turning 7 and birthday's are pretty damn cool.  It's the one day of the year I don't tell them, "You know, the sun doesn't rise and set on your rear end" or "It's not about YOU"  On your birthday - it is all about you.  As it should be.  However, I think there should be some limits to the extravagance. 

For example:  Yes, I will be bringing treats for the class on Tessi's birthday.  No, I will not roll out 25 tiny marzipan/fondant covers for the cupcakes and and hand draw Tessi's face on all of them.  First of all, I am a lousy artist.  Second of all, the cupcakes are mini and you wouldn't recognize the face anyway and third of all, that's insane.  Yep, she said she wanted this for her school treat.  The compromise is that I will get the cupcakes and put glitter on them.  Yes, to me that's a compromise.  That's the perk of being the leader of dictatorship.

Also, We will be having a family celebration on her birthday as is tradition.  The Birthday person gets to chose the birthday meal.  9 times out of 10 this is pizza.  This year Tessi announced she wanted to go to the Blue Gum - local pub/restaurant.  Hmmmm, when asked why she stated because they have pizza and yummy desert.  I told Tessi there would be no desert as we would come home for cake and presents.  I wish I had my camera on me to have immortalized the look on her face. I can only imagine what thoughts were screaming through her brain.  If I had to guess, I would say there was a combination of  "Jesus Christ, the old bat has finally gone off her nut" and "Did she just say Connor is getting all my presents"  There were shades of horror, disgust, terror, rage and general confusion.  I really wonder if she will go into acting some day.  I was impressed with how she was able to use her face to capture the moment and display all of those emotions.  Then she set her jaw, snarled at me, "FINE, can I have lasagna?"  Lasagna at home rather than $100 for dinner out?  "Why yes, Tessi, yes you can" 

The mom taketh away, but then she giveth back.  Since I'm now a "good" mom again we start to discus her birthday cake.  This is funny.  She says she wants a "made cake"  Hmmmm, God as my witness, I'm not sure what she means.  What the Hell is an "unmade cake"  so I stupidly ask her.  I said stupidly because based upon the look she throws at me before answering only a complete dumb ass wouldn't know what it is.   Here's her reply: It's a cake you make.  Yep, that was her pearl of wisdom that she imparted.  So I guess she was right, any dumb ass should have known that.  Okay....I'll try and tread along a little further.  I ask if she wants the puppy dog cake that I got for Connor last month and immediately got a look of pure disgust.  I guess she remembers me dropping that cake too. 

You know, you can be filled with sorrow to your core and you'll never be sorry enough for dropping one damn dog cake.

No, Madam doesn't want to risk another mushed puppy face so she wants...get this....me to cover the cake like Connor's Star Wars cake (again with the damn marzipan) and draw her face.  See, we're back to having her face on things.  What the Hell is up with that?  Only now she says since the cake is bigger than a cupcake I should also draw all her family on it too.  Sort of standing behind her looking at her with love.  This is when Teddy pipes in, " Whoa, you want a picture of us looking at you?  No way, I'm doing that"  That's when I point out that it wouldn't be a real picture, I'm supposed to draw this, remember.  Teddy says, "I don't want a picture of me staring at Tessi like that"

Now, I'll be honest.  I'm laughing my ass off right now, for more than a few reasons.  1.  I can't draw for crap.   My stick figures look obscene.  I need a ruler to draw a curvy line.  In short, I suck.  EVERYONE knows this.  Somehow I'm supposed to create some sort of loving family portrait, on FREAKIN CAKE?  Whatever  2.  Teddy's main concern is that there will be evidence, albeit cake evidence,  that he is looking at his sister with love.  I guess Homey don't play that.  3.  Tessi actually wants her face all over every damn thing all of a sudden.  Um hi, I thought the Super ID developed 3 years ago?

True to my form I decide another compromise is in order.  "Tessi, how about I make a chocolate cake with chocolate icing, cover it with the special flat cover (marzipan) and YOU draw all over it, anything you want and Connor won't be allowed to help." 

Two eyebrows shoot up.  One on Tessi, "Just me, by myself?"  One on Connor, "Wait, why can't I help?"  Of course Teddy is still grumbling about how he'd better not see himself on it.  But the die is cast.  Tessi accepts the idea happily and immediately starts planning what she's going to draw and most importantly, starts pointing out to Connor that she can't draw anything. 

So far, it's the best birthday ever.