The Effect of TV on a Normal Mind.

Being a child of the seventies I have watched a fair amount of TV.   Alright, a LOT of TV.  I grew up watching wholesome (because it was the only thing on) family entertainment.  Well, at least what passed my mother's eyes as wholesome.  I only watched Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley and Brady Bunch behind her back because she hated those shows.  I saw All in the Family, Soap, MASH, Masterpiece Theatre, Monty Python, Battlestar Gallactica, Star Trek, and re-runs of the the classics, Leave it to Beaver, Bewitched, I Dream of Jeanie and some other shows in black and white, I just can't remember.  Hmmm, maybe that list of shows does explain a bit about my personality.

It's true, what you see does influence you.  Watching those shows I saw family life portrayed in ways that were hideously NOT like my life.  One would think that would have taught me that TV is not reality but no.  Instead I grew up hoping to have that idyllic setting in my house.  At least that's what I think I did.  I have no conscience memory of pining for this Utopian lifestyle but I think I must have.  I mean why else would my reality drive me so damn crazy if I wasn't secretly wishing for a better way.  If I knew and understood that in reality kids are psychotic - especially in the morning, wouldn't I have accepted years ago that it will not be any different? 

No.  Obviously, deep seated in the recesses of my mind there was a message implanted that gets triggered like the sleeper agents in Battlestar Gallactica, the new one, not the old one.  Yes!  That's it.  Messages get turned on and off in my brain telling me that families don't have to act like this and if I keep struggling like the stupid spawning salmon I will achieve the goal..the Harmonious Family.  That must be it.  There is no other possible rational explanation for me to keep trudging along trying to correct this insane destructive  behavior and instead embrace it and just try to keep the house standing.  It's TVs fault.  Whew.  What a load off of my mind.

So tomorrow when Teddy and Connor start sniping at each other 30 seconds after waking I will just sip my tea.  10 minutes later when they are still going at it I will casually play on my phone.  I'll do that instead of what I did today which was snapping, "Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph you two!  Stop talking to each other.  Don't look at each other, don't stand near each other, don't touch each other, DO NOTHING!!"  See that got me nothing because not 2 minutes later Teddy starting griping at Connor for dropping the bread bag on the floor and Connor retaliated by yelling back.  See, I would have saved myself the aggravation if I had just accepted the futility of it all.

This is liberating.

The next time Tessi starts sobbing because Connor never lets her talk instead of me replying, "Pot, meet Kettle, nice of you two to meet"  Now the sarcasm is funny but it doesn't help.  Because deep inside I'm hoping that Tessi will some day realize, "Hey, does she mean that I do that too?"  Of course she won't.  And why?  Because life is nothing like TV.  Real kids don't learn life lessons in 22 minutes.  It takes YEARS, if ever.  Right now, I'm voting on never.  I've had Teddy in my life for 11 1/2 years and after all this time he still doesn't understand that whatever he does I will find out about it and I will get angry when he gets caught.  He honestly believes he can fool me.  Teddy is utterly baffled when I know that when he's been sent to his room to clean and 20 minutes later he stumbles out and it looks the same I know that he hasn't done anything.  I'm not exaggerating.  He stood there yesterday seething with anger when I told him I knew he was lying about cleaning.  He could not imagine how I had figured it out.  But now I see what my mistake was...it was when I yelled threatened and argued with him.  Now I know that watching happy  TV families has led me to believe that when you tell someone to clean their room they will do it.  What I should have done was walked in, seen the filth and tell him to try again.  When he starts to sputter that he has been cleaning I will just use the Air Horn app on my phone.  Then I will say, try again and walk out.  Rinse, lather, repeat.

See, no yelling.  I accept that he's going to lie and I get to use my iPhone in a fun way.  This could work. I have a constant battle with sore throats and headaches.  Maybe implementing this acceptance of lunacy will help me cut down on that.  Just walking around the house tripping on Littlest Pet Shop pieces, the Nerf bullets and more Barbie shoes than Mattel ever meant one household to have I see that all my yelling and cajoling have not helped.  Because I have been searching for that Norman Rockwell picture of the life I've ended up with physical pain and a near permanent eye-twitch.

So join in with me people.  It's time to lower your standards.  When you feel the need to ask, "Are you out of your mind?"  Remember the answer is yes.  It's them, not us.    Accept the lunacy and ride the wave of stupidity.  You will have to remind them flush the toilet 4 years after they've started using it.  They will pour milk into the bowl until it overflows for no other reason than they can.  Your two oldest children will get into a screaming match with each other over who has to turn the TV off AND then glare at you and say they weren't fighting.  As sure as death and taxes these are the absolute truths of life with kids.

Save your sanity people.  Speak softly and carry the Air Horn App.  And watch TV about psychopaths.  THAT'S reality TV.