-Gordon Gekko,Wall Street
I bet Stanley Weiser and Oliver Stone had no idea they were actually writing about one of the cornerstones of parenting when they penned this jewel. Most of the cute parenting books...ie...written by people who may be around kids but also have staff to deal with them; never seem to mention the benefits of of good old fashioned greed.
Personally, I think taking advantage of a child's capitalistic nature is essential to the surviving of raising children. Nothing, and I mean nothing motivates kids like money. Money is power. Money means the ability to control what they own; what they use to entertain themselves. Sure, we kids ourselves into thinking we are shaping their minds but in the end when they have the coin...they buy what they want. Unless I'm standing over them them like the fist of God knocking something out of their hands, but for the most part, my story stands.
Teddy has had a weekly allowance for a few years. Connor started hers last year on her birthday. Tessi is counting the seconds until her birthday until hers magically appears. Money is doled out and they use it at their discrection. I make the older two put $.50 of their money into savings but other than that, it's their prerogative on how to spend it.
Lately though I've been noticing that the gratitude for the money has been waxing and waning. Thursday comes and I'm bombarded with, "Can I have my allowance?" A bored face stands there waiting to be gifted with monies. Usually this comes right in the middle of me working around the house. Cleaning or cooking or working. I don't get paid yet these kids want money. It always infuriates me to be interupted in the middle of doing work around the house to help them avoid doing work. Hmmmm. I'm usually walking around threatening and cajoling, trying to get them to perform some task. Or if it's assigned chores time I'm hit with "what are my chores?" and "Really, I have to do that?" right at a time I can't be stuffed to come up with something they can do because I'm in the middle of doing something they can't quite do yet.
I was playing...er um..I mean researching ideas the other day on Pinterest and I saw a pin about putting chores on the backs of magnets and having kids select the chores and get paid for them. No, I'm not going to show the Pinterest picture. I think we all know by now now that mere mortals are incapable of copying these color-coordinated displays of crafty glory. You are just going to have to see my photos and imagine them in HD gingham checks and glitter.
Here I have put out the bait. Also known as the list of chores I need to be completed.
I didn't say a word about it. Yesterday afternoon I just brought the girls home from school and thought I would see if anyone noticed. Of course, Connor saw it in under five minutes. She came up to me asking how much she could get paid for doing chores. Also she is willing to give me list of chores she is will to do for money. Thanks Sweetie, not ready to offer money for annoying the crap out of your brother, but I appreciate the offer.
This is good news though. The minions are intrigued. Makes things easier. I tell her that we have to wait until Teddy gets home because I don't want to explain it more than once.
By the way, that sentence is absolutely hysterical if you have kids. No matter how you condense it. NO matter how you compile the information...you will ALWAYS have to explain something at least 4 times before it gets in. At least.
Himself comes in from school and the buzz is going on furiously. Money....money...she is offering money..... They gather at the table and the discussion begins.
I announce that allowances are being discontinued. There is a brief gasp of horror then a quiet explanation of what discontinued means. I'm not going to say which kid needed it...I will just make a note that a thesurus is a possible Easter present now.
I explain that the magnets are worth money. Large ones $2, middle ones $1 and small $.50. When the chore is completed they bring the magnet to me and I check to see that the chore is done correctly....yes, there was a muffled. "damn"....but I let it go....not really isnt the time to bust them on my no swearing rule. Also, I honestly want sure which one said it.
After chore is deemed complete I will give them one of these.
They will collect the tickets and turn them into me for money. We can exchange tickets for cash weekly, monthly or whenever they get a big enough haul. Cold, hard cash money. The language that all bipedal creatures speak. Finally, I have supreme confidence that they are listening to every word I say.
After I'm done speaking, yes, they actually sat and listened, there was a group conference. True camaraderie seldom exists between this lot so I brace myself for the hit.
What about chores that are too difficult to do alone?
Hmm, oh...that's a good question... Walking the dog alone is unsafe for the girls. They can't handle Damn Dog. So I say that I will share the $ on that chore alone. Both girls can get $.50 each for walking the dog. However, other chores that are shared, ie...wash and hang clothes the cash will be split. Teddy is unamused about this but little lecture about "sucking it up cupcake" and "the better paid jobs are easier for you to do" and he was back on board.
I take this moment to mention that I have marked the tickets and I will know if someone has "accidentally" taken a ticket and not done the work. I haven't done this of course; I do have some sort of a life, but I'm not telling them that. Teddy pipes in with an impressive list of different scenerios and their punishments for breaking the rules and cheating. I tell him to try hard and not cheat me. Also, If I catch anyone with extra tickets I will take ALL the tickets and distribute them amongst the remaining siblings.
THAT brought out a fury of discussion, let me tell you. A quivering lip asked, "But what if we lose the tickets?" These was my moment to present this:
Plastic, zip lock bags with cute pictures with their names on it. Use these to save the tickets in. However, should you lose them....too damn bad. You are out of luck.
I did mention though that if I found some chores weren't being done I would just assign them and they would be completed for free...
I'll be honest, the crickets were chirping a bit there for a few minutes. After some eyelids blinked very hard they all stood up and collectively began sorting through the chores. I believe there was telepathic communication between them to just ignore that crazy nonsense the evil troll just spouted.
The next 45 minutes was filled with a mad rush of chores being done. In fact, I hear the sad laments moaning about the lack of work to do. Music, sweet music to my ears. The girls and I left for basketball with a house full of clean windows, swept steps, fed dog and knowledge the dishwasher would be emptied when it was done running.
Now I'm not crazy, I know this won't last. Already we are having issues about reserving chores and stealing all the "good" ones. But for right now my budding capitalists are running around desperate for work.
Yes, verily, greed is good. Off to have a cuppa at my nicely cleaned kitchen table.
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