Description of Parenting

Parenting is never like it's supposed to be.

That's a stupid statement.  How can raising a child be supposed to be like anything?  Each parent is different.  Each child is different.  Each environment in which the family is in is different.  So what do we mean when we say it's not like it's supposed to be?  I think that's it's different than what we THINK it should be.  When I'm faced with a disastrous parenting moment - really disastrous, not the daily catastrophes - Christ...those are EXACTLY like we all think they will be...I mean the BAD moments, nothing goes like I think it will.  The reason is because, well, if I thought there was a chance in hell it would be like that I never would have signed on for the gig.  Hell, what rational person would?  Seriously, I have walked away from jobs when a boss acted inappropriately.  I get pissy with strangers who imply I don't know what I'm doing.  I am the QUEEN of smart ass remarks when people cross boundaries with me.  Yell at me?  Get real...no one yells at me.  Lie to me?  That's comical.  Piss me off?  I am famous on two continents for my abilities of exacting brutal and public punishment.

My father taught me well, "Get me once, shame on you.  Get me twice, shame on me"  It's a guide to life for me.

Parenting though...that's jumping up and screaming, "Oh Me!  Pick me to step on tacks during the night!!"

Why in God's name would I willingly sign up to have the emotional equivalent of my intestines being ripped out of my body through my ears and having my heart stamped upon by stiletto wearing spawns of Hell?  That spawn of course coming from Ted's side...we're all normal on my side.  No really...trust me, Welches and Michaels' have a long history of normality.  We just accept radically different things as normal, but that still counts.  At least that's what we'll told all the doctors, police and social workers  over the years.  But I digress.

There is nothing you can read, no tv show you can watch no scenario you can act out that will accurately prepare you for the reality of parenting.  There's simply nothing like it in the world.  And the worst part is KNOWING this.  I really had it drum into me this weekend that I know nothing about how to do this job.  I am swinging for the cheap seats with every.single.step. to the plate.  Who on earth thought this was a good way to teach parenting?  Such an important job left up to novices, idiots and mild neurotics.  And those are the ones who get the good presents and Mother's and Father's Day.

Who did?  No one.  No one set this system up.  That whole free will thing is in play and that leaves all of us swinging in the breeze, hoping to raise kids and help them become less neurotic than you.  Most days I know it's a good thing that Big Brother isn't out there yet and there is free will.  Some days though....some days I would LOVE a big manual with large page numbers to give me the simple instruction, "When ____ does ____ you do ____ and then everyone shares a cookie and it will be alright"

But there's no book though.  There is no Hitchiker's Guide to Parenting and anyone who claims to own it is a big fat liar.

Yet, knowing that here I am.  Mother of 3.  I'm still here, despite all their best efforts.  Why indeed.

Because not being the mother of 3 is 100 times worse.  Even the thought that it might be gone is enough to drop me breathless to my knees.  I think I'd forgotten that a bit lately.  I remember it now now.

So what is parenting supposed to be like?  It's the kick the teeth you weren't expecting and then you find out you can't live without it.  But...on good days, there are cookies.