I'm not sick.
Yes, I love listening to you recite Three Billy Goats Gruff six times
Of course I don't mind helping you. It's not like I had anything else to do.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
Sure, I can handle that.
No, no, that mom isn't on a power trip at all, she really is that important.
Don't worry about having nits, it's ok!
It's not gross to wear the same uniform a few days in a row.
I'm not frightened.
Why not, nothing could go wrong.
What am I supposed to say? The TRUTH? Be serious. Every time I tell the truth in these situations lives are damaged. Usually mine. Have you ever tried to honestly tell an adult that they are acting power hungry or that they look stupid for doing so? Yeah, good luck with that. I bet you're as popular as I am.
Obviously I can't tell a child I don't want to listen to the same story over and over, that's just mean. I get that. I try and say it in a more supportive manner, "That was fantastic, this time why don't you try telling a different story" If no joy and the kid persists, I suck it up and listen. That's what you do.
I know what I'm doing. The biggest . lie . I . have . ever . told. HUGE whopper. All the books you see in the stores about marriage, child-rearing, creating a home, dealing with finances, dealing with illness or pain...all lies. Every last one of them. You know how you can tell they are full of lies? If there was a single book that explained any of it well enough that one person could survive the day doing everything right it would have sold out faster than Harry Potter and the Fifty Shades books combined.
That's because no one knows the answer. Know why? Because THERE ISN'T ONE. That's right, there is no single answer that fits every situation. Sorry. I wish there was one, but there isn't. That's why every day I swing for the cheap seats hoping to do one thing correct. If somehow I manage to do that I scream all about it on Facebook so all my friends can read about it and be jealous. That's it. That's all I've got.
I'm not sick. Another fib. I've got all three kids home with the death flu today. I had to call out of work which I was actually looking forward to because I was doing more website testing and I loved it. Nope, the universe says stay home. So here I am. I've just started sneezing and my head is burning. But I'm not sick. No, I don't have time. I'm not sick. I'm taking Advil like they're M&M's but I am not sick. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I'm not frightened. That lie is one of biblical proportions. I force myself to say that I'm not frightened because if I actually admitted out loud how terrified I am about my kids, my job, my marriage or my life I doubt I'd get out of bed.
The nits? I have to lie my rear end off about that. We had another bout of them this week and so many tears over it I had to swear up and down that it's not a big deal and no one cares as long as we treat them. In actuality I'm sitting behind her spewing this drivel while I'm scraping bugs out of her head. All the while I am screaming inside my mind, "OH MY HOLY GOD!!!! SHE HAS BUGS IN HER HAIR!! BUUGGGSSS!!!! KILL THEM WITH FIRE!!!!!!"
Of course, if I tell her that no one will ever be able live in peace in our house again. This particular child can take an irrational fear and destroy all of our wills to live. Can you imagine what she can do with a rational one?!! No I say stick with a good lie, it's so much better to lie. Then when I'm done, lie some more.
I know it's wrong to lie about a majority of things. I understand and accept the morality of it all. However no one will ever convince me that telling the truth 100% of the time is a good thing.
These lies are my form of a community service. You won't find me out along the highway picking up trash. Instead, I'm keeping disputes down to a minimum and encouraging people to keep going along in their daily lives. Thanks to me and my minor truth aberrations people are less likely to punch each other in the throat.
Yes, I am a credit to the community I dare say. I know you all agree with me so I won't even ask.
That way you won't have to lie. That's my job.
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