I have always thought I would be the kind of wife and mother that could communicate well with her family. Talking has never been one of my weak points. I believe I was told once that my Indian name would have been She Who Talks a Lot During Movies and my middle name would have been listing all the other times and places I talk. At the time I was pretty pissed about that description and said so. Rather vehemently.
Yeah, you get the point. I can get my meaning across to people.
I find though that with a family the basic sentences aren't enough. For every mundane and obvious situation there is not one simple explanation that everyone can follow. I never would have believed the amount of threatening, cajoling, pleading and explanation it would take me to explain the most common of scenarios. I have had to employ charts, graphs and the occasional game of charades to express myself well enough to group of people that claim to speak English. I'm thinking of streaming a PowerPoint and Keynote presentation to the TV, iPad and Touches thoughout the house.
Actually, that's not a bad idea....will look into that.
But back to communicating with my family.
Below are some situations that come up in our house and God help me, I can't believe that I have to explain this in such detail to them. Here we go, a glimpse into my world.
1. When the trash can is full, EMPTY THE DAMN THING. Continuing to fill an overflowing can does not make it magically empty itself. Filling it so that the dog doesn't even have to bother with her lid-tipping skills and just grab your ketchup covered half eaten sausage and finish devouring it on my rug will make your life uncomfortable. No no, not because of odor or filth on the floor but dealing with my rage. After all these years there is no plausible excuse for not knowing that I will explode when this happens.
2. When I take the time to show you how to do something it's because I want you to do it that way. Let me repeat that. This is the way I want you to do it. Don't pretend to watch but look over my shoulder. Yes, I will be checking on you and yes, I will be mad when you do it a different way. Do not look shocked when this happens. And for God sake, don't roll your eyes and say, "Yea, whatever" this will force to me to go medievel on you. It will be painful. Mainly for you.
3. Don't ask me where something is unless you make a bonafide attempt to look for it yourself. A bonafide attempt does not mean lifting your head as I walk by. It does not mean opening the cabinet but look at the TV. It sure as Hell doesn't mean telling me to find it. Telling me to find something is the one way to guarentee that I won't look for it. Yes I am that vengeful, are you new?
Looking for something entails picturing the object you want in your head and concentrating on the place you are looking until you see it. Sometimes, yes, this means MOVING THINGS AROUND WITH YOUR HANDS to look behind objects. This items are not made of acid, it will not burn you if you touch them. I however, do have acid spewing from my mouth when I have to stop what I'm doing to find something you didn't really search for.
This is not just for children by the way. Ted, I love you, but that's for you too Babe.
I'm talking to you.
4. The phrase, "Stop it!!!" means to cease and desist the activity in which you are currantly engaging. As in right then. Stop what you are doing. Do not do it anymore.
It does not mean to continue until I repeat it at an higher octave and volume level. It also doesn't mean to start again 5 seconds later. It does not mean that I interested in a spirited discussion about why you were doing it in the first place. I know this is shocking to all these people under 5 feet tall but I honestly don't care why you are torturing each other. Really. You did not invent hating your sibling, it's been going on since Cain. What I do care is that when I'm done listening to it, you will stop. That's it, see how simple that is?
5. When I am sleeping, either at night or a cherished nap during the day you should of course, wake me for an emergency. An emergency means blood (flowing, not crusty and yes it matters) broken bones, vomiting or someone at the door. I do not consider the need for your glitter shoes an emergency. Oddly enough, your need to play on my iPad is not a pressing matter. The cat looking particularly adorable wearing your school hat is not ever a reason to wake me. Ever.
Coming in my room before dawn to check to see if the cat is still cute also will make me angry and say unkind things to you. Doing it several days in a row will make me threaten to melt your Littlest Pet Shop and Squinkees toys into one giant pastel-colored glob. Do pay attention to this threat, it gets more and more appealing to me every time I shout it out.
If I could convey the meanings of any of these scenarios any simpler I could gain an extra two hours a day. Three if the dog paid attention too.
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