I woke up this morning in a very respectable fashion for a geeky mother on a chilly Friday. Instead of getting out of bed on time I developed a plan for when the Doctor finally comes to rescue me from my life and ask me to run away with him. Our first stop will be to go back in time one hour so I can get more sleep. I think this was very clever and even posted this on Facebook. Impressed with the awesome that I can create even while still half asleep I gave myself permission to sleep another ten minutes.
That ten minutes though may have helped lose ten years off my life unfortunately.
As I dragged my weary self out of bedside into my bathroom to get dressed I was bombarded with Connor Tencza's Fashion 101. Somehow she knew I was wake and rocketed into my room to help me select my ensemble for the day. It was another 15 minutes of arguing that I didn't need kitten heals to go with a t shirt. No, I am not putting on gloves. Yes, I am comfortable knowing that my pants don't really reflect fashion forward thinking. Go away now. Leave. Oh look, the cat!
Sorry that I gave you up like that Monty. I needed an escape and you decided to sleep on my head last night. Consequences for actions Bro.
Busying herself with the cute and annoyed kitty I ran down the steps. Rounding the corner to the kitchen I found that Sasha had tipped the garbage can and sprayed trash all over floor. Its not enough that she gets into the can, she has fling as much stuff as she can all over the floor. I start lamenting the lack of tea in my hands and begin cleaning up trash. Emptying the can entirely I put the bag on the porch to take out to bin later. I have to get my tea, NOW.
This is when I notice that Teddy is gone. This can't be right. He knows that he has a doctors appointment this morning and that he isn't going to school until later. I run to my phone to call him, tripping over Sasha making another run at the garbage can. She actually snorted in disgust to find out that the bin was empty. Ha! IN YO FACE DOG! DENIED!
I probably shouldn't take such pleasure in her dejection but that's where I am at this point in my life. Don't judge.
I am still trying to get a hold of Teddy and my call goes to voice mail. Oh good God, this is bad. I can't drive to go get him at school and go to the appointment we just won't make it. Looking over my shoulder I see...actually hear that Connor and Tessi are downstairs now. Connor is running a fast pace trying to keep up with her cute little itty bitty pudding pop of a kitty who obviously needs her to scratch his head. Mister Pudding Pop Kitty has very different ideas of what he is wiling to allow Miss Thang to do. Monty makes a rather graceful leap over the couch, bounces off the pool table and hurdles himself outside the back door and up into the bush. I give him a 9.5 for his floor work but took points off for not sticking the landing.
Ignoring the crying over losing poor Monty I finally get a hold of Teddy who is annoyed at getting a call from me. Apparently it is social suicide to get a call from mummy while on the bus. Too bad sunshine. Maybe next time you will pay attention when I tell you don't go to school. He's already been on the bus for a few minutes so its too far for him to walk back. I tell him to get off at the next stop and I bellow at the girls to run and open the gate because we have to tear down the street to get Teddy. After promising that no one is on the street and no one will see them, especially BOYS, in their night clothes I get them into the car and I...well the only correct way to describe it is that I launched us down the street and up the death hill to go get him. I am very grateful for the lack of attention the Hornsby Shire's Finest shows my street. I REALLY don't need any more points on my license.
Teddy was already at the end of the main road when I caught up to him and began the trek back. At this point my brain can only handle two or three bits of information at a time. 1. I have no tea in my hand and 2. We are now late. Everything else just bounces off my skull and I ignore it. I start answering questions with, "No tea" and "can't talk, late" I hope that actually answered someones questions but honestly I'm not sure. Actually I didn't care as it seemed to work and we made it home. It was all fine and good until I pulled up to the gate and saw Sasha. She was on the porch ripping into the trash and flinging everything she could behind her on to the porch.
I screamed for someone to get out of the car and open the gate so I can get up the drive way and stop her. My children were obviously caught up in shoot and awe because instead of leaping out to get the gate they all just sat there and stared at the dog.
Before you read any further I would like to say that I am not proud of the following actions. In retrospect, I should have used better judgement and chosen my words more carefully. Since I do not want my blog to get slapped with an advisory label I will use clever word choices to mask what I really said. I hope you can follow it. Here goes.
Buck, cluck!!!!! Oh my trucking God! What is that piece of whit dog doing? Open the God lamb gate. MOVE!!! truck, cluck, ruck. Piece of whit dog. I hope you die you bastard- can't think of anything that rhymes with bastard, but since Sasha's parents were never legally married I think I can get away with the traditional usage of it.
The gates then magically then opened and I was able to drive up the drive way and stop my darling puppy from continuing her trash massacre. When I calmed down a few minutes later I realized thats pouting off that particular kind vulgarity was not the wisest choice. Especially with Connor since she will never, ever forget this. I decided to get their attention as best I could and threaten the girls with death and worse, removal of Skylanders and all lip gloss if they tell anyone (especially teachers) that I said all those bad words in front of them. They promised to purge it from their minds.
After breakfast I sent them to get dressed. Since neither of them understand that sound travels yet I overheard them organizing their thoughts over what happened.
Tessi:: "I heard 4 F words and 3 B words"
Connor: " No, no it was 5 F words because one used an -ing ending. That counts. "
Tessi: "What about the S word?"
Connor: " Oh.... I dunno, lost count."
Tessi: :"Yeah, me too. Lets just say a lot!"
Teddy had to cover his mouth to hide his laughter at me. At least he felt bad enough to go make me tea.
This all occurred between 7:05 and 7:40 this morning. 35 minutes is enough to set my head spinning for the day. I tried to calm myself down. After all, I have my tea, we aren't going to be late to school after all and everyone actually has a clean uniform today. Life isn't too bad.
I look down to see Sasha sitting sweetly next to me with her head nudging my arm so I'll pet her. She really has a great cute face so I cave and bend down and rub her head. She gazes up at me with love in her eyes and then belches loudly in my face.
I was wrong. When the Doctor comes to get me to to travel in time with him I'm not going to go back an hour and sleep more. I'm going back 4 years to when I found Sasha's picture on the rescue site and before I say, "Oh she looks good," I'm going to punch myself in the face. It will be kinder to all parties involved.
