STOP!
Before you read any further I would like to suggest that if you do not have children please don't read. In fact, step away from the computer and run like Hell to the nearest pub or whatever you do for fun when you don't have kids. Go now. You'll find out why later.
I say this because I'm going to reveal a parenting truth. If this gets out to the wrong people the population growth will come to a grinding halt. We'll be like China 30 years after the 1 kid rule...only a little less barbaric and evil in their methods of forced birth control.
There are 1000's of parenting books already printing to share the cumulative wisdom of generations about child rearing. However the joke is that they never tell perspective parents what they really need to know. I have purchased many of those books and all they tell you about is the basic mechanics of things. Food, illness and potty-training. The trifecta of child rearing. But let's be honest. Any jackass can keep a healthy child alive. Food in one end. Clean up the the other end. Every so often give them some Tylenol/Panadol and some ice cream. It's really not that hard. You know that's true. Remember that complete moron you overheard at the shops the other day? The one who didn't know that bananas are a fruit or maybe thought that the police would come and arrest them for taking those tags off of the pillows? Maybe they announced that they didn't know the capitol of the state they grew up in. Usually it's the person who tries to draw you into a conversation nice Walmart is for remembering all the holidays when they advertise ham for Chanukkah (yes, they did...google it) Well my friends, those people have kids. Kids that have survived. So by Christ, if those yahoos can do it so should you.
The problem those people don't get bogged down by the real challenges in parenting. The truth of it all. See I can keep a kid alive day to day. What I'm having trouble with is the quirky nuances that no one warned me about. I'm only going to talk about one today as it will do my head in to list everything. So here goes.
Memory
Kids have either have an eidetic memory and will quote things that happened 3 years ago at totally inappropriate times or have no recollection of the the events that have occurred longer than 10 seconds ago. There is no middle ground. Connor will tell me exactly what I said about someone's mother 3 years ago when I didn't even think she was in the room. She will tell me this in front of the person I was talking about. In fact Connor reminded me yesterday that two years ago, on a Tuesday, she asked when she'd be allowed to stay up until 8pm. I said when she was 8 she could stay up until 8. She turns 8 in a few days.....damnit. I tried to tell her that it was probably her dad who said that so it didn't count but neither of us really believed it. This is the same child who can not remember where her shoes are. She has STEPPED OVER her shoes to walk to me crying to ask me to look for them.
My poor Tessi is having such a hard time with her reading that it's really upsetting her. She's having trouble doing her favorite subject of math because she can't read it. So I read the questions to her and she does it all in her mind. She forgets nothing. It's scary to watch her do it. Of course on the other side today she put her sports uniform on and her regular shoes because she couldn't remember that she should wear sneakers. This same child who has learned the ingredients for and can make a bacon quiche by herself can not remember to flush the toilet.
Teddy? Ahhh yes, the boy. He can remember every single time I've sworn in front of him and remember every word I don't want him to say. And then he forgets that his Steam and iTunes account gets emailed to me so I know when he buys a new game, song or app without telling me. This is the same child that got confused at his high school orientation when we were told to get in a group by school....I had to remind him that he went to Normanhurst Public.
The trick of parenting is handing the trips between perfect memory and no memory without going ballistic and killing everyone in your path. So far I think I'm handling things well because the worst that's happened is that I've gotten a massive headache and my eye starts twitching. I haven't' actually killed anyone yet. Although it has been close some days.
So when you're out and about don't judge someone's parenting skills by the health or appearance of their child. Look at the parent. If she has a twitching eye or blinks a little too much THAT's the good mom. She's being driven completely insane and the kids are still alive. Who cares if the shoes all match or if there's dirt on someones face or shirts?
