Cure Worse Than the Disease

The flu has invaded our house...again. I naively thought we had been through the worst of it last week when Tessi dropped like a ton of bricks for 36 hours and I got a headache so bad I couldn't lift my head.  Sadly that was just a warm up and now we're back on the illness train. Just in time for the school holidays and Ted starts his new job. Excellent. Honestly, I epexted nothing less. All good stories start with "Dad was out of town" or "we were all trapped in the house" -the universe is always watching and ready to get you when you can least handle it.

This week the flu/bubonic plague/SARS virus, whatever it is, slams back into us robbing Tessi of her gymnastics camp; which she was trying to weasel out of anyway and take a day of cricket camp from poor Teddy; who really did want to go. Of course I am coming down with something as well because i was up most of the night with Himself, all these kids keep breathing their germs on me and I have no immune system.  Trying to get ahead of the game I brewed myself a cup of Horehound tea, recommended to me a while ago by a dear friend as a cold remedy.  About a month or so ago Teddy was sick and I made him drink it.  He got better, very quickly. It was like one of those hawked miracle tonics but only it worked!  I was singing the tea's praises to anyone who would listen. Now I should mention that Teddy carried on and whined about the taste being bad.  He took 20 minutes to drink a small cup and acted like it was hemlock or something. So I really didn't pay that much attention to him. I mean, this is the kid who whines about grilled cheese sandwiches tasting funny because the wrong plastic cheese was used to make it.  Be serious.  I wasn't impressed.  I've heard that its not pleasant from other people, but really how bad can it be? I've drunk Milwaukee's Best before and survived. I wasn't worried.

This is where arrogance can be your enemy sometimes. When you think you've reached a point that your life's experiences have trained you do handle everything, Life laughes at you. Laughes at you in the form of Horehound tea.  When I told Teddy I was going to drink the tea he smiled for the first time in more than 12 hours. Head splitting open from the pain of a headache and a fever so high he can barely move. Yet the thought of me drinking this tea brought him back from the dead and nearly dying. "Go ahead Mom, you'll love it. It tastes just like regular tea," this was my first warning as to what was coming. He is never that happy unless someone else is in misery.

Taking a sip, I realized that I have joined a rather unfortunate group of people. A group I call the "tasteless honest." Over the years I've met many different kinds of people in many different places. There is always someone who is brutally; if not tastelessly, honest. For example, ever been around someone who drinks something and says, "Ugh, that tastes like horse piss?" Now, usually I stand and wonder, how do they know what horse piss tastes like? If they do honestly know, why would they admit it? It's something I would be proud to share, even amongst close friends.   Now personally I've never imbibed such folly; Milwaukee's Best notwithstanding, but after this mornings drink, yes, I think I do know what horse piss tastes like. So I can join this group I suppose, with a clear conscience. I hope there are jackets.

It's been two hours since I've drunk the tea. Sadly there are no miracle improvements yet. Unless you count the smile on Teddy's face every time he looks at me and asks me if maybe Tessi shouldn't try a cup.  I just glare at him and tell him to blow his nose and shut up. I think though, that will be my one and only cup of Horehound tea.  Not sure if I'm brave enough to try another cup.  I say this not because it was too vile - again former Milwaukee's Best drinker here. It's that I'm not sure how I would feel about myself being the person who claims to know what horse piss tastes like AND went back for another cup. Usually I make fun of those types, rather vocally.

Yet Another Person Angry at Me

Once again I've angered a very important person. I'm starting to think its in my genetic make-up.  I really do have a talent . Although this time there are two major differences, 1. I am taking intense pride in my role and 2. This person is actually important.

When I dropped my son off at school this morning he was so angry he could only speak in muttering voicing and was incapable of answering his sister's baiting him to fight. That's some powerful anger.  My sin you ask? I had the unmitigated gall to have him change his sweater (jumper) and socks and sneakers to the school uniform ones.  Burning in Hell I am.

See after 5 years at Normanhurst Public my son has decided that the rules about the uniform don't really apply to him. He can choose which parts he agrees with and better yet, what he doesnt. For example, he can wear his bright burnt orange UT sweatshirt to school instead of the blue NPS one because he's cold and doesn't want to change it. Yes, Sydney has some blistery cold mornings, I think we've been averaging 10-12 degrees- thats 60-65 first thing when we wake up.  Surely its cruel to make him withstand those brutish temps for the 15 seconds it takes to switch the jumpers.  When I suggested that he could put the school one on to start with it was made abundantly clear that I was obviously missing.the.entire.point. I know that because he told me so.  

However today when I saw the white socks and sneakers and pointed them out I was told his class was partaking in a physical fitness program and he needed runners (sneakers) to wear. I gently and with love, lots of love, reminded him that at HIS insistence I paid a hefty fee for black runners that look like school shoes.  Then suddenly he didn't know where thhe shoers were. They were magically transported to the ever popular hidey hole for wayward shoes dimension. Oddly enough, I learned that the magic words to force the forces of evil to return the shoes to our universe are,"Find the shoes before I do, because if I find them, things precious to you are going away". And behold the apparence the the shoes! Truly this is the work of the Lord....

Surely at this point this boy who has worn the same clothes 4 days a week for 5 years,  understands I'm not screwing around and dresses in his uniform.  You would like to think that he was smart enough to assess the level of my annoyance and toe the line.  Yes, he toed it and then flipped the pinky toe right over it.  Walking past me I look down and the little snot still has on his white socks, not the uniform blue and gray ones.  WHY, you ask? Get this, he actually said this,"Um, we have Fitness today and um those school ones gets holes in them.". Riiiight, not his rock solid white ones, no those are are made from titanium I guess.

Evil Troll Mom sent him back to him room to try again.  Somehow he managed to survive his trials and emerged decked out impersonating an NPS student.  This all came at a high price I must say. A 17 minute ride to school with almost complete silence.  I'm crushed, just crushed I say.  Obviously I need to work harder on my interpersonal communication skills.

Flu-Induced Musings

Waking up with the flu this morning I've spent the entire day in bed begging for the Angel of Death to come. I have not left the bed at all, completely shirking my duties for the day. I'm fortunate because Ted is still at home and much better than I am at stepping in and taking over. He really is good. Kids were fed, dressed and taken to school on time and as far as I know, the police haven't arrived to question him about anything. In my book that's impressive. Thank you Babe, you are the best.

Sadly though, Death never arrived and slowly my head is starting to ache less and the chills have subsided. All that's left is exhaustion and laying in bed. Since I am physically incapable of not multi-tasking that leaves me to surf on the Internet. Below is a group of topics that grabbed my interest, for no particular reason and I thought I'd put my own personal spin on them.

1. The rioting around the world over a film.  Well, you don't have to know me very well to know that I am a huge fan of the freedom to speak.  It's a founding criteria of a civilized society in my opinion. However here is a situation where both sides have got it wrong. Yes, this filmmaker had a right to make his film. It's not slanderous or libelous. It's also not any good either. This isn't some piece about unveiling truth about Mohammad or describing the faith. It's just a bunch of pot shots taken because he felt like it.  Yea, he has a right to say but he's still a twit for saying in the way he did.  The people rioting? Good God, you make nutter extremists look like Quakers. It's a film. If your faith is so offended by it then perhaps it isn't as strong as you think. Grow up.

2. Purse Shopping.  Since I bought the iPad there's been one major thing on my mind. I need to get a new purse to accommodate it. My current purse is too small to contain the iPad and my 1200 utterly necessary things I have to have with me at all times. It's obvious, isn't it? But finding a purse large enough to contain the awesomeness yet still be smaller than a steamer trunk, have some look of fashionability and cost less than weekly monthly electricity bill has become a Hercelean task.  Why, why, why is it so difficult for some designers to understand that with purses women's needs are fairly simple. We like to have choices, sure, but matronly is seldom one of them. Cute, and feminine do not have to mean over-the-top drag queenish. I want a bag large enough to hold my iPad, hold my keys and phone somewhere I can get to them easily and I need room for my wallet, some pens, bandages, a few thousand hair elastics, random McDonalds toys, iPods, Littlest Pet Shop animals and the occasional Xbox controller. I need to be able to walk around with this person and not need a trolley cart to carry it on.  I want it in a fun, but not ugly color. Come on, really.  This should not be that hard.

3.  Social Skills with "Peers"  With all the playground nonsense I've had to put up with the last few weeks I thought I'd look up terms like "Mommy Mafia" or "Queen of the playground" and "Dealing with other Parents" just to see what other people are enduring. Surely our little school in Normanhurst is one of the few places dealing with control and power issues?  Dear God, I'm not even remotely right.  Google any of those terms and you will come up with 1000's of stories, blogs and photos about the dealing with these people. One of my favorites blogs described the one belle as timing her entrance onto the schoolyard as to get the highest number of people watching her; yet not so early as not not look eager.  This mum would smile as her entourage would face to greet her and then scowl at those she had deemed "uncool" My favorite part: "As she looked over her kingdom, I wondered how sad her life must really be if this was the best part of her day. How furious would she be if she realized that no one, including her posse, was as impressed with her as she was. Then I laughed and turned back to my uncool friends and talked about important things, like stain removal tips." I admit it, I laughed out loud at that. Of course my uncool friends and I don't usually talk about laundry, unless it's about getting wine stains out.

4.  NAPLAN results came in today. This is the standardized test given to Year 3, 5, 7, 9 NSW students to prove they are learning at least level appropriateness. As a former employee of The Pychological Corp and a standardized test grader I can confidently say these tests are crap. There sole purpose is to give politicians something to hold up at election time and scream that they care about education. I have always told Teddy and now Connor, who is terrified of making mistakes,  not to worry about the test. All I ask is that they spell their names right and not draw pictures when coloring in the bubbles. I make sure they know that pass or fail, the test doesn't affect them at all. Then I refused to talk about the NAPLAN at all.  You know what?  My poor panic-struck Connor got her results today and scored  better than everyone in the state and her class in every category save one, math. 

HA! Feeling a little superior again with parenting right now.  Dont worry, that will fade the next time I officiate a fight involving the TV, hitting someone's bum and disgusting noises. I meant all 3 of those in the same fight, by the way. Yes, that has happened, don't judge.

PETA will be Hunting Me

Pet owners of the year. Nice sound to it. Add it to the stack of awards I shall NOT be earning this year. Poor Monty, he did not have a good morning.

After being rudely chased through the bush, roughly grabbed and squished into his backpack carrier-which, by the way he hates, Monty endured grabby kids trying to get at him to pet the "cute kitty" and then arrived at the vet's office.  If that wasn't bad enough there was a huge black lab who dared to sniff his person through the screen of the bag.  Whoo boy. Monty pulled his paw up to swipe but unfortunately there wasn't enough room for him to wind up power so the soft tap of his paw was all the disdain he could muster. The indignity of it all.

Sadly though, that wasn't the worst of it. It appears that my 3 year old cat has massive abscesses in his teeth. I've scheduled an emergency cleaning tomorrow. The vet just pulled back his lips a bit and the blood started flowing from the black bits that were his teeth in the back.  Pet owners of the bloody year.

In my defense, yes I do have one, Sasha and now Monty apparently, are silent suffers. Both of them can be in agonizing pain and not mutter a sound. Sasha had a raging ear infection that was so bad the entire outside of the ear had their weird fungus on it. Vet found it on routine check up, she hadn't even scratched at the damn ear.. Monty's teeth are rotting out of his skull and he never missed a beat while eating. So since they were quiet it didn't occur to me that something was wrong.

I have 3 kids. Every one of them will scream bloody murder and beg for the Last Rites if they get a bug bite. If one hits the other the victim will demand compensation, a band aid and a cookie.  There is no toughen up around here. Every absence I have from Tessi has her coming back to me listing her war wounds for proper sympathy or at least documentation.   In fact on Sunday Tessi was carried home from the park by a neighbor girl because she had two splinters in her big toe. There is no injury or illness in this house I don't know or hear about.

Except the animals. Grrrrrrrrr. I scheduled the very expensive but needed cleaning tomorrow. I don't know how long he's been in pain but I can't handle it being for any longer than it has to be.  At least he'll get good drugs.  I hope they last long enough to withstand Connor and Tessi nursing him back to health.

How do You Get Ready for a Home Inspection

Home Inspection Day! 

We were granted a reprieve on the last one because I decided to test the laws of gravity and have a shelf descend upon me. But today is the day and we're back on schedule for getting the house ready. Most people spend the morning tidying up a few loose ends and doing a quick eye test to make sure everything is in its place.

Not me! I'm out in the bush, trying to sweetly call, "Here Kitty, Kitty" because Monty has taken off for the hills. I don't know how he knew about today, but somehow he figured it out and he took off after breakfast.  See we don't have a cat, not as far as the real estate agents are concerned. Renting is so tough in Sydney that we had to not mention the furry one when applying for this house. Which is a bit sad since he's the animal I like. Sasha is a bit harder to hide though.

So there I was, calling into the trees, "Here Monty, come on you little rat bag. We have to go!" in a very sweet, kind and nurturing voice you know.  Now I could just leave him outside and claim that he's the neighbor cat when the agent comes but no....this inspectin time I was clever and scheduled Monty's vet appointment during the time I need to hide him. Kill two birds with one stone as it were.  But since I still seem to be trapped in a state of bad luck that is surpassed only the the Donner Party and the Titanic's Third Class, Monty figured out my cunning plan and was determined to best me at my own game.

I head out to find the cat and leave Ted to herd the kids into last minute chores. I don't think you have to be a child rearing expert to understand that when choosing between picking up leaves, cleaning up after the dog and looking for the cat, my kids chose the cat.  Imagine the success I enjoyed traipsing through the bush, listening for bugs and snakes, calling the cat and every 2 minutes trying frantically to shush my "helpers" as they each took turns trying to nab Sir Feline. Monty, not being a dumb ass,  took the kids's presence as a call to battle and would knick off back into the seclusion of the bug-infested bush and lie and wait. Only after threatening to duck tape Tessi's mouth and delete all the episodes of Ultimate Cake Off did she finally leave and I was able to coax Himself out.

All of this occurred in about 10 minutes but as you can imagine, it felt like 40.  I am a creature of routines and particularly in the morning, I need a steady plan. It has a lot to do with me not being a morning person, plus stress, plus kids.  That all adds up to me losing my ever-loving mind when the tiniest thing goes awry and when it all goes to Hell...well look out.

So my fellow moms and dads, take heart. This morning while you were getting ready for the day at least you weren't hunting wild kitties and batting away the natives.  That's my job!

Not So Free Speech at Normanhurst Public School

I called the president of the P&C for Normanhurst Public School a condescending blowhard on this blog a few weeks ago.  I also posted on Facebook that some "important people" counciled me on not pushing my personal agenda regarding the parking signs at school. For this crime against humanity I am now persona non grata in our little school.  I've learned that the presidents wife was so tramautized by me not agreeing with her husband that she has thought about contacting the school councilor about my role on the Cyber Safety Committee. A group who's sole purpose is to help give parents and carer's any and all information about keeping their children safe from online predators and empowering adults to make the computer control issues they needed.  My voicing opinions is some kind of threat to the sanctity of this group it would seem.

I made comments in a public forum about me resenting a man's tone and his word choices and now I get held to ridicule? It's ok to encourage people to turn their backs on me as I walk by?  Boast about how good it feels to de-friend me?   I stand by everything I have said or written because those pearls are the truth.  I quoted no names and used the exact words thrown at me....unlike the lies being spread about me.

During the Education Week Concert at the end the P&C president's son happened to stand next to me.  I smiled and asked him if he had fun and told him he looked great.  The next day I got a txt from a number I don't know asking me "if telling (little boy's name) that his dad was lousy made me feel good."  So now, not only am I trouble-making selfish rabble rouserwho isn't properly grateful for the gifts bestowed from Himself, I'm worthless scum to goes after and deliberately tries to hurt a child.  

I think in all my many years of life, that is by far the worst thing I've ever been called.  I've said some rotten things in my time.  Some things maybe I shouldn't have said, but once I got out of grade school I stopped trying to hurt children's feelings. So for the record: I have never and will never say nasty things to a child to hurt them or their parent. That's disgusting and evil, much like the person who texted me.

All this started because I wanted to park legally in front of the school and because I didn't leave it in the P&C's hands to fight for that right. I went to council and the media. I  informed the P&C that the media would be coming to do a story, if they wanted to offer support and I was shot down. And because I didn't agree with the party line being fed to me I get to be the school pirahia.  How ironic that you accuse me of bullying....

Enough, you lot can have the school.  Mrs. President, you and your important friends feel free to attend this weekend's fundraiser in peace, I will not be there. I know that was a great concern for you. No need to try and get me removed from a committee that will help parents learn how to program their child's xbox or go online safely, I have resigned.  This committee's mission is too important for our school to have childish people bog it down with playground battles. You don't have to worry about the canteen either. I've resigned from that as well, so you make your appearances to adoring fans only.  Watch out for school pack up time though, sadly for you, I do still have to get my kids.  Please take great pride in vanquishing the heathen enemy. 

 Won't you don't get however is my voice.   I get to keep my blog and my Facebook account.  I get them because despite what you and your ilk think I do have every right to my opinions. The small community of Normanhurst Public School may not be open to free speech,  but the internet still welcomes us lowly non-conformists. So you have unfettered power at this tiny school for another couple of years and I'll have access to the 'net for the rest of my life. In the end I think we'll all get what we deserve.