Some Day I Must Get a Life

Not much of one, I'm not sure I could handle it.  But today I stooped to a new low or high depending on how you look at things in how I spend my day.  Connor is having a Star Wars themed birthday party and I spent HOURS crafting an awesome party invitation and I've posted it all over FB pimping it trying to get praise.  It has this picture in it. 

I was just so jazzed about finding Star Wars girl pictures that quite frankly, weren't porn, that I couldn't resist shouting to the masses.  Seriously, I know Geeks have been downtrodden for a long time and the Internet is their home court so to speak but DAMN!  I feel traumatized seeing a picture labeled Star Wars, Leia and Perky.  Honestly, I threw up a little in my mouth when I saw that.  Not what I intended when I was looking for some sort of feminine presence in the Star Wars Universe.  Really?!  Apparently silicone defies the laws of gravity in space too.  Impressive.

So I found positive girl Star Wars images!  Here's another one:

Not sure how I'm going to use it yet but I may throw it onto the cupcake wrappers.  We're having a very pro-female party but we will have 2 boys too.  So I will have to make sure they are included.  If nothing else I'll throw food at them and let them beat the Hell out of each other with the light sabers they make.  That's what I did for Teddy's Star Wars party when he was 6.  Some things are just timeless, like the little black dress.

I'm not including Teddy who is horror stuck to learn that he is expected to attend the festivities.  I told him I'm planning on him being the Cabana Boy.  Then Connor suggested he dress up as R2D2 in Episode VI when he was the drink server on Jabba's barge.  I laughed so much I swerved the car and snorted my spleen up into my nose.  As Teddy started wailing that his family sucked, Connor piped up again, "Um Mommy, who do you have to say thank you to?"  When the broad is right, she's right.  Thank you Connor for the best spit take I've had in a very long time!

Here's another image I found:

I am seriously digging this one.  I think though that I need to put the first one on a t shirt.  Connor wants one and I sure as Hell do too.  Cafepress.com here we come!

But the reason I need a life is because I am taking this all WAYYYYY TOOOO SERIOUSLY.  I almost got unhinged today at Discount Party Supply Warehouse when I saw they had Hannah Montana, High School Musical and that crappy last Indiana Jones movie theme and only 1 banner and some cups and napkins for Star Wars. 

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT CRAP?!

Discount Party Supply Warehouse, you suck.  More than a little. Well forget you.  I am no Youngling at Star Wars parties and I promise this one will be talked about in hushed awed voices for years...even without your stinkin' $9 a pack napkins.  Hannah Montana?  Really?  Is that show even still on?

So I'm pestering people for helping finding pool noodles and spending way too much time in Microsoft Word creating invitations, hunting down SW napkins, cups, and wristbands and began the Death Star Pinata building process.  What I did not do was call the realtor about them cancelling our inspection without telling me, pick up my script for blood pressure meds which I've been out of for 4 days, do the laundry or wash the dishes.  Ok.  Tomorrow I will be better.  Unless I hear back from the Etsy seller about the Hello Kitty Star Wars charm bracelet.  NERDVANA!!!! Here's a picture!

Developing a Nasty, Nasty Habit

No, not smoking.  My last cigarette was Feb. 19, 1998.  Still think of myself as a smoker, but I'm just out.  So no, I'm not going back to that.  This habit is equally as dangerous to my health though.  I'm talking about my habit of composing emails or blog posts in my head, then mentally ticking them off as "done" and then never going back and composing them.  Thus I end not responding to many pissed off friends and not posting on my precious blog.  It's really annoying that I keep doing that because I've come up with enough material for at least 3 books but not one bloody word is written down.  Plus I've had a couple friends grab me and shout, "Why haven't you blogged??!!!  What's wrong??!!"  It's a little embarrassing to say, "Oh no, I've come up with TONS of funny stuff"  then I remember that it was in my head...much like my daydreams of winning a tax-free lottery, liposuction, Harley Davidson Night Rod Special and full time maid and cook service.  Damn, I really do have a lot crammed up in there.

So, the events of the past few weeks.  Wow.  I took the kids to Melbourne the 2dn week of school holidays.  Just me.  I drove my 3, plus one of Teddy's friends 10 1/2 hours by myself and didn't kill any of them.  I can can hear the hushed awe of my peers right now.  It was an incredible pain in the ass, full of fighting, tears, whining, vomiting, swearing, burned hands, more swearing and strep throat (tonsillitis here in OZ) but I did it.  Still, with all of that horror, it was an awesome trip.

No, I'm serious.  I loved it.  Now before you refile this  blog under "Nutjob Masochists Who Scare Me" let me say that no, the crap stuff wasn't fun.  But the fun stuff was wonderful. Melbourne is wonderful.  Seriously, a wonderful beautiful city.  I love seeing money spent on superfluous things by city governments.  Art, street and building design..just general quirkiness, I love it.  Thank you Melbourne, you were a rare treat.  We also went to Philip Island and saw the tiny fairy penguins.  I live on the same continent as penguins!!!  That is so cool!!!!  We sat on bleachers on the beach and watched the little buggers come up after a day at sea and head off to their homes.  As we sat there waiting, wallabies bounced by.  It was like seeing the world through a portal to another dimension only this was real.  I loved it.  The kids obviously didn't appreciate it once the hot chocolate ran out.  Fortunately though we all had iPods provided to us so we could listen to a 30 minute history lesson on the penguins.  Not that the kids listened though.  Tessi kept changing her language to Japanese and French, both boys just looked at me oddly when I asked if they were listening and Connor listened, only because she thought when it was done it would change to a K$sha song.  But I listened.  I listened to the whole thing, twice.  The first to educate myself and the second to drown out the whining. 

So the trip was a success.  I can heartily recommend driving too.  As long as you have a roof rack to put most of your crap up into, A third row seat so you can separate kids into 3 different areas, bags of food FILLED with crap you wouldn't normally let them eat and let them eat as much as they want, 1 lap top, 1 portable movie player filled with at least 5-6 movies or tv shows they haven't seen, 2 iPod touches, 1 iPod nano, 1 iPhone with earbuds, coloring books and crayons and several stopping points with places of interest.  Thank you City of Holbrook for putting a decommissioned submarine in your town - 5 hours from the closest source of water)  Also for your traveling plans I HIGHLY recommend using the caravan or holiday parks.  Not for camping, bugger that.  I get the cabins there.  That way when you pull up after 10 hours and you're unloading and unpacking you can just gently say, or in my case screetch through grit teeth, "Get out!!!"  They are happy to be gone scootering, flinging themselves on the jumping pillow, trolling the campsites, whatever.  Then you can unpack in peace and get the champers or Skinny Girl chilled - which by the way, it is NOT illegal to transport alcohol across state lines in Australia.  Good to know!    So now I can think about the next trip with the kids, only I will make sure I will bring more alcohol to deal with them.

Give Props When its Due

I haven't written for a few days because I really couldn't think of anything interesting to say.  Does Writer's Block only apply to professional writers and students the night before a paper is due?  Not sure.  The school holidays are upon me and I've been up to my neck in kids who have been acting their normal psychotic selves...nothing extraordinary to write about.  In 2 days we're leaving for Melbourne and I know I'll have a ton to write about then.  I really haven't wanted to start writing the, "I made the kids do chores and I washed the dishes" type of  riveting entries so I've been waiting for something worthy to happen.  And may I say was this morning worth the wait.  So here's to you my son, truly you have inspired me today.  Yes indeed, you really hit it out of the park for the team.  I'm actually still a little bit in awe of you.  Your efforts have not gone unnoticed and I promise you there will be a reward waiting for you once I can unclench my fingers and and get the eye twitch to go down enough that I'm not permanently winking at everyone.

So let us begin....Teddy started catching a cold yesterday.  That's a pain in my ass for 2 reasons. 
1.  He's asthmatic and colds turn to asthma quickly.
2.  We leave for Melbourne in 2 days and it will SUCK if he's sick.
3.  Wait!  Thought of something else, I need his help around here trying to get stuff cleaned and packed and ready to go and if he's sick he has too good of an excuse not to help.

This morning he was feeling a little better but he said his chest hurt a bit.  Ok, that's my first warning that things are kicking up a notch and I ask where his puffer (inhaler) is.  This is when the joy starts.  "Ummm,  I"m not sure...."  Great.  He's had a couple sporting events lately so it could be in one of several kit bags.  Not good.  So I trot off to his room to find it.  This is when the joy starts to hit the fan.  His room is a cesspool.  No, I'm serious.  It's vile.  He has candy wrappers stuffed into the book shelf, dirty clothes and clean clothes all over the floor.  Water bottles and cups everywhere.  Those god damn Nerf bullets shoved in places that the laws of physics can't explain.

What.the.Hell.is.going.on?

He has been sent to his room at LEAST 2 times in the past 6 days to clean.  He's gone in and spent a good 30-40 minutes in there.  Maybe it shouldn't be perfect but I shouldn't be able to use the words fetid and rancid in describing it.  That's when I hear him walk up behind me.  I didn't even turn to look at him.  I just said, "Let's go for honesty here...when you can in here to clean, you just sat down and did nothing, right?"  "Ummm, no.  I cleaned for a few minutes and then sat down and did nothing."  Me:  "A few minutes?"  Himself: " Well, I moved some stuff around"

Let's hear it for honesty.  I can honestly say that my eye started twitching at that moment.  But then he coughed and then I knew I was out of time so I start diving into the swill.  All the while I keep saying, "You know I love you right?"  "RIGHT?!!"  I want it said out loud in case I'm questioned about this later on.  As I'm picking through the rubble I stumble across a lizard.  No, a small one.  Still annoying so I told him he felt well enough to get it the Hell out of his room.  Captain Genius then tells me it's been there for a few days and it doesn't bother him.

Wow.  It doesn't bother him.  I'm so happy for his bonding with Nature moment, I really am.  However I felt the need to remind him that it DID bother me and to get up off of his ASS and get the damn lizard OUT.  In a calm, caring and full of respect kind of tone.  Lizard is removed.  Very humanely, I promise you Nature loving, spider worshiping, cicada cheering wackos out there.  You know who you are...

Back to the fun.  Rejoice!  I find not one but both of his inhaler chambers.  BUT the actual medicine tubes are gone.  I turn to Teddy and ask where they are, since they are not in the bags with the chambers.  This is the good part, wait for it....

HE ACTUALLY ADMITS THAT HE RAN OUT OF THE MEDICINE AND HE THINKS HE THREW THEM AWAY AND DIDN'T TELL ME!

I was so proud of myself...I very calmly say that I'll have to get new medicine as soon as the chemist opens in a hour or so. 

Then I say that he needs to eat something so I can give him his Tylenol/Pandol, and have him rest a bit and then he needs to actually clean something up in his room.

That's when all Hell breaks loose.  He exploded.  Sobbing furious tears, flinging himself down onto his bed and screaming into his pillow.  As god as my witness I have to idea what's happened.  I looked around to see if Connor was in the doorway making obscene gestures or something.  Nope, no one there.  I was kinda hoping she was there because honestly, I had no idea what the Hell was going on.  It took me 30 minutes to get him calmed down enough to get him to say that I hurt his feelings by saying "I loved him" over and over and then daring to say he needed to clean the room.  Wow...teen hormones?  Um, if they could be bottled I swear the body builders could give up the steroids.  I've seen guys suffering from 'Roid Rage and they have NOTHING on my kid.

So I explain to Himself that I say "I love you" repeatedly like that when I'm pissed off because I don't want to say something that could be held against me in a court of law.  Judges are famous for frowning on custodial parents uttering, "I can't &$%#&# believe you &^%$#* did this and I swear to *&^#*^% God I could take these *^%#$*$ Nerf bullets and shove them up your *^%$*^$*^% rear end until they come out your %$*^% nose.  So I try to censor myself...you know, be the adult in the room.  Since I don't do that a whole lot I'm actually quite proud of myself for being able to accomplish that in some small way. Chalk one up for Mommy!  Or so I thought.  Apparently it was just another one of my Evil Troll Mom mannerisms designed to destroy his life.   I really need to start using my powers for good as well as evil.  He starts to calm down and that's when I notice that the sobbing and hiccuping has been replaced with coughing.  Croup-like coughing.

Son.of.a.bitch...he's having an asthma attack and I have no medicine.  Bloody, bloody buggering Hell.  Now this is where the twitch combines with rapid blinking.

I race the the cabinet and can't find any prescriptions for the meds.  I did find an asthma card in my purse so I put Teddy to bed, grab the girls and drive like hell to my local chemist.  The girls of course are panicking and crying that Teddy is dying.  I'm trying to park the damn car inbetween 2 jackasses who don't get the park in the middle of the lines concept while trying to calmly tell the girls to knock it off and stop sobbing.  I get the Ventolin and race back and give him his inhaler.  It works straight away and now 2 hours later he's up and driving me nuts going to check the mail as he's waiting on his Xbox Chat pad to arrive. 

***Before I get inundated with hate mail asking if I've heard of an Emergency Room, his asthma is mild.  He was coughing but was still breathing with NO wheeze.  The chemist is 4 minutes away by car, 3 if you don't give a damn about speed limits.  If I had any concerns about his ability to breathe or the ability of the medicine to work I would have driven him straight to ER...***

I mention him be up and around because I want everyone to know that I have not killed him.  He is alive, breathing on his own and there are no marks on him.  I have successfully contained my rage and have not released the wrath of Khan onto him and I've done this because I channeled my energy into plotting his demise.  The entire drive to and from the chemist I plotted how I was going to beat his ass into the ground...after I save him with the medicine.  When I was stuttering to the chemist about why I needed the medicine - fabulous lady by the way, really hauled around to get what I needed - I was visualizing printing out every naked baby picture I have of him and handing them out at assembly at school.  I mentally locate the class list in my mind and pick out the phone numbers of the girls I'm going to call and discuss Teddy's initial disinterest in potty training.  When you're driving like Hell up and down a long road you can come up with a lot of revenge options. 

He's fine and now my blinking eye twitch is reduced to faint THWAB behind my left eye.  Now I can look back and see that my first mistake was 2 weeks ago when he came home from his school cricket game and I didn't say, "Put your puffer in the cabinet" and dealing with the lack of meds then.  My second mistake was finishing off the last bottle of champers last night and having to go through the rest of today sober.

Happy Birthday Mom

I didn't think of my Mom on November 2nd a few months ago because I forgot. Horrible to say, God, even as I type that I feel this knot in my stomach just teeming with guilt.  Whooo, thank God I 'm a lapsed Catholic or else the guilt would really nail me.  It's a lousy excuse, but I was still recovering from our insane Halloween party, I still had house guests, the kids were in FULL KID MODE, each pulling hideous KID STUNTS. It was one of those times that I hit the ground running in the morning and ran like Hell all day until I passed out at night or a normal work day as I like to call it.  I felt sick to my stomach a few days later when I remembered. I felt like she was really gone because if I don't remember her no one does. I fell apart crying to Ted about how awful I was when he said the most profound and wonderful thing. "The day she died is a terrible day to think of your mom. Why hold onto one of the worst days of your life to remember someone you loved?"

He's right...damnit. I'm going have to live him gloating about that.

So today I remember you Mom. Today would have been your birthday.  This is for you.

I'm doing better about you dying.  It's been almost 5 1/2 years and I'm not as angry as I was.  Oh I'm still pissed at the government and the state of health care in the US.  I still fly off the handle at anyone who moans about socialized health care and whines about choices being taken away by having care available to anyone regards of means to pay for it.  But I've stopped wishing those people be forced to watch their mother die because she can't afford her medicine...I realized that I couldn't be that evil.  Watching my own was enough.

Fortunately most of my friends and family who are on the "OTHER" side either respect me enough or don't want to piss me off enough to not bait me about politics.  I do appreciate that kindness.  So I'm still a bit angry I guess, but I'm channeling it better.  That's progress right?

So less anger and more happy memories.  I chose to remember you before the stroke, before things got so bad.  When you were a force to be reckoned with and had a will of iron.  The woman who worked her way through college despite family telling her how immoral it was, the woman who was the teacher who put the fear of Mrs. Welch into a household phrase and the woman who started a newspaper in a small town and the woman and the woman who was one of the best grandmas I'd ever met.  You were never perfect but man, did you love your grandson.  You would have loved the girls just as much I know but you died before you could really know them.  People laugh and say Tessi is just like me when I groan about her stubbornness..but they're wrong.  She's you, all you.  Except about the cooking, she has to get that from Ted.  None of the women on our side like to cook.

Mom, you always wanted to come to Australia.  I'm so sorry you didn't make it.  But I did.  My family is here now and it's even more than you could have imagined.  You would have loved it here.  You would have loved the flowers and the birds.  Not the spiders and bugs though....only Dad is crazy enough to like those things.  Even he took a step back at some of those creatures.  Ugh.

Be at peace Mom.  I love you and I miss you. Happy Birthday.

Oh Thinkgeek, Thy Geekness Comes Through Again

When you are married to a geek, raising a geeks and have some geek tendencies yourself you have to find different ways of expressing love and affection than most people choose to employ. Unfortunately that can require a lot more creativity than most geeks are able to handle.  Fortunately there is a website that picks up the slack.  Of course you know that I am referring to ThinkGeek.com - the holy land of bizarre things than only very bizarre people can appreciate.

What I like most about ThinkGeek is that it appeals to all kinds of unusual.  IT geeks, Gamer Geeks, Science Geeks, Pop Culture Geeks, even some Historical Geeks.  Basically if you've ever looked at the t-shirt that someone was wearing, saw a poster or a tv show replica item in someone's house or a toy at a work place and said, "Dear God, where the HELL did you get that?"  It was from ThinkGeek.  I've been a proud customer of theirs for years.  1/2 of Ted's shirts come from ThinkGeek, the other 1/2 from his work, Atlassian.  A t-shirt company thinly disguised as a software design company.  I myself am a prideful wearer of the "Han Shot First" shirt from ThinkGeek - if you have to ask then you don't truly appreciate Star Wars and if you don't, well maybe you shouldn't be reading this anyway.  I bought Teddy a fine selection of Portal 2 fun stuff and of course Tessi's "Soft Kitty" shirt and stuffed animal all come from there.  That's just how we roll in our Geek house.

I write this today because FINALLY after almost 3 weeks my shipment from ThinkGeek arrived.  I tried their new economy shipping to Australia and DAMN!  I was really scared it wouldn't make it.  With 2 mailing days left it came!!!!!   I bought some things for Connor's birthday in May and the rest for Easter.  I have outdone myself this year.  Not 1 but TWO chocolate zombie bunnies.  One for Ted and one for Teddy.  A Han Solo frozen in carbonite chocolate bar for Connor - our star wars groupie, she is worse than I am...I love it. and for our princess chef... magic wand spice dispensers.  Here's a picture I just posted on Facebook.

It's ok a to be a little jealous.  It is amazing.

 I am riding a high that I just can't describe right now.  It won't last.  My kids will squeal with joy for about 30 seconds on Sunday and move straight onto the "What have you done for me lately?" but right now I don't care.  I have provided them with a coolness that is hard to come by.  I'm going to take a few minutes and just revel in this.  I don't get too many moments like this.  Usually my life life is broken down into moments between snarls, screams, whines and death threats.  Well they aren't threatening me but I hear them turning on each other.  My point is that if it weren't for my ear buds I would seldom hear anything nice.  But now I know that I have coming to me my due.  A FULL 10 seconds of kid war cry screaming my praises.  Maybe to you that's not much but in my world that's a God Damn Lifetime Achievement Academy Award and I'm not even close to being dead yet.  HA!!!


By the way, I TOTALLY NEED THIS COAT.  I'm serious. I'm serious.  See the secret compartment for the ear buds?  This is a MUST have to survive the school's Education Week Concert.

  But I'm not selfish, this coat is pricey, I can do with this one -

No, not as many pockets but it does but the ear buds close and keeps the iPhone handy.  ThinkGeek, I love you.  Seriously, I have a major crush on you.  Thank you for making Easter AWESOME!!! 


So Women's Weekly , Martha Stewart Living, whatever damn thing Rachel Ray has come up with for Easter that is so damn clever and only requires 48 hours of prep time, 3 yards of tulle, a staff of 12 of glitter in places that are just wrong - HA!  I'm AWESOME MOM and I only had to click a few buttons on the keyboard.

Autism Awareness Month is Every Day

I have mixed emotions about the official designation of April as the Awareness Month for Autism.  Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that people are starting to pay attention.  It's absolutely needed and honestly, anything that raises money to help people with Autism and their families, well I'm on board 100%.  It's my personal reaction about seeing Awareness things that get me.

I don't own any puzzle piece jewelry.  I have no t-shirts with cute pithy sayings about Autism.  I can't.  Every time I look at them I get this weird clench in my stomach.  I wonder if women with Breast cancer feel the same way about October and the Race for a Cure stuff.  The pink ribbon...do they cry a bit thinking, I wish to God I didn't need to see this stuff?

Obviously in my family every day is Autism Awareness Month.  Trust me some days, it does feel like a month in a single day.  Every day I either my husband, my son, or I get it rammed down our throats that there is always something "off" with either or both of the girls.  They do fantastic at school and fit in with the mainstream beautifully but at home..well that's a different story.  Think of the toddler.  The child that behaves so well for preschool and then comes home a holy terror?  A street angel but a house devil is a phrase I've heard.  That's what it's like with my girls.

However if I'm honest I have to say out loud to the masses that we are lucky.  We have it so good compared to others.  Yes, I'm pulling my hair out because Connor is obsessive compulsive and asks the same question 15 times in a day.  However she speaks.  I know children her age who don't.  Connor's fear of being alone is backbreaking some times.  However, with the right therapy she has improved.  I know many kids her age who will never improve.  Tessi's temper is such a nightmare we live in fear of setting her off.  But I do know some tricks to help stay a tantrum.  I know many kids who fly off the handle with no warning and are gone for hours...no I am not exaggerating for HOURS before they calm down.  The next time your small child tees off and pitches a fit in a store for 15 minutes I want to imagine that horror for another hour and 45 minutes.  Only you can't just leave like the all-knowing adults around you advise because you have to buy food for the family and it's the only chance you have to be at the store.  Please think about that.

Yes, we are lucky.  However we are still in the club.  A club no one ever wants to be a member of and there is no way out.  My daughters will never be cured.  No matter how well they do there will always be a real chance of failure because of how their brain processes information.  They think differently than the world around them does.  It's always been a foregone conclusion that my son will go to college and be able to get a job that he wants and support himself.  Most likely my daughters will be able to.  But it's not a given.  They must do extra work, learn how to do things differently, live outside their comfort zone to have a chance at success.  If they do all of that, they SHOULD be ok.  And they are the lucky ones.  I am congratulated by friends whose children were in therapy groups with my girls as having "made it" - you see, their kids haven't.  I just congratulated a friend who's 8 year old son has recently been toilet trained.  Still using pull ups at night of course, but during the day...!!!  This was a major accomplishment for him and his family.  Think about when you were training your 2 or 3 or even 4 year old...imagine still doing that at 8.  In some ways I think it's easier if you know there is no hope of toilet training or whatever "normal" thing you're trying to accomplish.   If there was no hope then she could have moved on, dealt with the pain and learned to adapt.  My friend has been living the last 6 years in limbo, hoping it would happen. Knowing if she just found the one trick, the one way to reach him, she could have helped him succeed in minutes.  Feeling the failure of not succeeding...

For the rest of this month I'm not planning on typing any major diatribes about Autism or being aware.  On my Facebook page I'm simply going to put up some pictures that speak to me in a serious or funny way-depends on my mood swing.  I will ask this, if you are able to spare any money at all please consider giving to Autism Speaks or any local Autism services provider.  I know money is tight and we all have problems but even $5 will help.  The next best thing you can do to help is to publicly mock and put down Jenny McCarthy and those anti-vaccine nutters.  They have done nothing to help a single child and but have done loads to hurt them.

Science and doctors may not be Gods but they are not the enemy.  Please take time to educate yourself.  If you know someone who cares for an Autistic ask them what they need for help.  Or just stop one day and tell them they are doing a good job if their child has shown up in clean clothes and isn't screaming.  Some days, that's all we have.  Remember, we're the "lucky ones" because our kids have somewhere to show up.