Letting Go

Teddy is getting better. He got his new spiffy cast, he's no longer on constant pain meds and he's been playing the playstation 2 again. He's bored to tears and is starting to be rude again. We're slowly going back to the normal chaos. Tonight he is at a Waratah's game (professional rugby for my American friends) with his father and some friends. I know he's safe. I know he's fine. He's with Ted for God's sake. Ted would kill anyone who got too close to Teddy. But for the last two weeks I have been hovering over him and flicking away anyone that got too close. It's been my job, from the moment I saw him sleeping after surgery and I took over for Ted, it's been my job to keep him safe and help him get better. I slept on the couch for 8 nights because my bedroom was too far away from his, in case he needed me. So now that I know he's out of arm's reach, out of my sight I am a wreck.

Friday I took him to school for a few minutes, just to drop some stuff off and he was so desperate to be around other kids that he just went running to talk to his friends and SWOOP! A herd of boys descended upon him to test the worthiness of his cast. I stood off to the side, screaming inside my head, "GET OFF OF HIM YOU LITTLE MONSTERS!" But instead I smiled warmly and cursed them from afar.

I'm not sure if it's the maternal instinct. I know that Ted loves Teddy just as much and he too spent a night on the couch for him. Father's care too, no mistake about it. I just feel this pain, deep inside when I'm not sure Teddy is going to be safe and it kills me. Maybe it's more about making me feel better then. If I keep him close and safe then I don't hurt, I don't feel bad. I hope that's not true, I'd hate to be that selfish. I don't want to turn him into some hothouse flower. I guess I need to learn how to back off a bit.

It's time to let go, time to let him be a boy again. But so help me God, if he breaks anything else not only will he get a pink cast, I will have "I love Barbie" tattooed on his forehead during surgery.