Another Morning of Insanity or as I Call it, Friday.

Some times I wake up in the morning and think this is good.  I'm in a warm safe bed and I'm happy.  I know that maybe everything isn't alright but that's ok, we're all healthy and Life is pretty good.

Then I get jarred rudely awake from that fantasy dream and have to face what my morning actually is like.  3 kids, 1 dog and cat.  All in my face.  Fortunately I married well and my husband is already out the door so I don't have that silly "take care of the husband' crap.  Right now Ted, I love you.  Top of the list Baby.  As for the bottom of the list...

This morning started off bad a few days ago.  2 days ago I got a note from school saying there was a teacher's strike this morning.  SIDENOTE!  They strike differently in Australia.  Instead of going out on strike until demands are met and grievances aired they announce a work stoppage - teachers go to meetings and then go back to work.  I'm not sure what it accomplishes.  I'm very pro teacher but I fail to see how this forces the government to back down and do the right thing.  But that's another issue.  Back to my whining....I usually find the strikes a bit annoying but I support them - 2 generations out of the Pennsylvania Railroad and coal mines...yes, I'm pro-union.  But this time I had scheduled the washer repairman to come to my house between 9:30 and 12 and now the kids wouldn't be going to school until 11.  Grrrr.  If he gets here late there's no point in me dragging them out to school for just 2 hours.  Bugger.  Ok.  I've accepted and and we're moving on.  At least I can sleep in.

6:15 am  WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP!  Connor kicks in the door.  "Morning, Mummy.  Can I come in?  Tessi had an accident and weed on her bed.  Ooooh, is that the cat?  HERE KITTY!!!  Why doesn't Monty like me Mummy?  Why is he running away?"

I respond the only way I can, "Ahrump"

She leaves and a few seconds later another WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP!  Tessi kicks the door in, "Mummy, I WEED!!!!!  I don't know why, please mummy why did I wee?  Ooooh, is that the cat?  Hi Monty!  Come back Monty!  Mummy, Why doesn't Monty like me Mummy?  No one wants me around!!!!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

I get a little more of Mummy Gumption raised and respond, "Ummmm"

This time I do wake up and stumble around until I get things cleaned up.  This is when I noticed that when Connor was sent to her room yesterday to clean she hasn't done a God.Damned.Thing.  You know how I know?  Her brand new Star Wars Fighter Pods are on the floor and under my feet.  Marvy, something new to hate more than LEGO and Littlest Damn Pet Shop.

I heard the kinder downstairs and begin the day.  No one wants to eat breakfast and honestly I don't care.  Every time I let them skip out of breakfast I can hear my mother's voice, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day!" scraping through my brain.  It helps to put ear buds in at that point so you can't hear that crap.

We move along and as I get tired of listening to the fighting over what show to watch - Really?  Does it matter that much if it's "Total Drama Island" or "iCarly"  Really?  Both are total shite....  So I start dispensing chores.  Yes, I became popular real quick.  Teddy takes Damn Dog on death march and the girls are sent to ignore the crap...er um, I mean clean up the crap in their rooms.  I dont' care if they are ignoring it, I just want quiet downstairs.  Teddy returns with a happy dog and I send him off to his room to clean.  That's when the next phase of my morning began.

"Oh God!  REALLY?  Sasha, REALLY??!!  Why??!!", Teddy's bellows can be heard throughout the house.  Well, so much for my quiet moment.  Now I know this isn't good.  I grudgingly head to the boy's room and yes, Sasha has pooped ALL OVER THE FLOOR.  Now I'm not one for scatological humor because I just don't see that there is anything funny but I must share with you what I learned about animals on the floor there.  I learned that when you find that the 2 gallon container of rice in the pantry is contaminated with weevils because some dumb ass didn't close the lid right you should NOT take the rice and put it out in a secluded section of the yard so the possums can have some dinner.  No.  Don't do this because instead of 5-10 possums finding it one large damn stupid pain-in-the-ass dog will find the.entire.ever-loving.batch.  Now, we do know that rice is ok for dogs to eat but it would seem that a large amount, say about 2 gallons or about 7 litres worth of rice is not ideal for one rat bastard puppy's sensitive digestive system.  It was at this point that Monty and his "drag the squealing mouse under my bed during the night" punk-ass was redeemed a bit and he moved back above Sasha in my "I Will Kill You With My Bare Hands" list.  Congratulations Monty.  

So, as I am standing there cleaning this up Teddy, God love him, is standing next to me saying, "Oh Mom, thank you so much.  I'm so sorry, Thank you."  It's sincere.  I did say, "Next time you wonder why I send your little ass over to the expensive table for Mother's Day presents, I want you to remember this"  We shared a moment there I believe.  A connection.  Don't know how long it will last but after I was done cleaning and I washed my hands in Napalm he made me a cup of tea.  I was very grateful and said so in between my shouting at Sasha, "Some day you're going to die Dog and when you do I'LL DANCE ON YOUR GRAVE!"

For my animal loving friends out there...I know many of you will find that last bit disturbing.  Please try to cut me some slack and keep in mind that I didn't hit or kill the dog.  Nor did I open the gate shouting, "VIA CON DIOS!!!"  That HAS to count for something

It's now 9:30 and now Connor is pestering me for food.  When I tell her she can't have candy she wails, "But I'm hungry!  Won't you let me eat ANYTHING??!!"  I respond, "Yes, damnit!  Go eat your breakfast!"  Sigh...damn it Mom.....

Festivus is Needed Year Round.

Many Christmas songs lament the lack of year round Christmas.  Or at least the "feeling" year round.  Not me.  I need Festivus year round.  I need that euphoria created only when I'm able to point out to someone why I think they are a jackass.  Knowing that I am right, they are wrong and that everyone around us knows it.  That closure that comes from knowing you have let it all out and the world knows how you've been wronged.  Ahhhhh, I'm telling you, it's the smell of victory in the morning....waaaaayyyy better than Napalm.

For today's post I'm going to use a different writing style.  I want to write some letters to some individuals that have been causing me strife.  It's been building up for a while and I need a way to say out loud what I'm feeling in a way that is safe for us all.  I can't even imagine what would happen if I stooped down to their level to speak to them.  So hear goes.

Dear Sasha,

There is a serious rift developing between us and I feel it's time we discuss it.  You know you are not allowed to pee in the house  Yes, it was you. Don't lie.  When I walked into Teddy's room and noticed the flood you stood up, looked over at the puddle, looked away and started to wag your tail.  See, that tells me you knew you weren't allowed to do that.  You were trying to play dumb.  I don't like that. You can not tell me you had no way to tell Teddy you needed go.  We both know you have a loud bark and that you aren't afraid to use it.  Don't tell me you've forgotten last weeks thunder storm.  You, the neighbors, all their dogs in a 2km radius and I both know your lungs are in pretty kicking shape.

Also you heard Teddy complain 2 times last week about waking up with you standing on his chest breathing your famous dog breath into his mouth.  That was why he fed you tic tacs.  Yes, I have already had a discussion with him about not doing that.

My point is this...you are an old dog.  Peeing outside is not a new trick.  If you want to live to be an older dog stop peeing inside.  You must have heard me swearing at you this morning, I assume that's why you went running out the door.

The ball is in your court.  I hope now you understand that my threats will become promises soon and I would think that you would not care for me tying your ass to the roof and have to fight with the bush turkeys for dominance.  Let me know what you decide.

All My Best,

Cecelia

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Wow.  People are correct.  Writing is cathartic.  Let's keep going.

Dear Monty,

This letter pains me to write.  Usually you are titled the"Best Cat in the World" and I mean that.  Seriously,  any cat who never uses the litter box and prefers to go outside, well, you're a winner in my book Baby!  However there are 2 issues that are causing serious pain in my life and we need to work something out.

The dead mice.  Seriously, what...the...hell...are...you...thinking?  For presents I like jewelry (sorry, not the cheap stuff) flowers, champers, an Ipad....you know, that sort of thing.  Dead mice left on the middle of the floor? This morning I walked into my closet and there was a dead one in the middle of the floor.  Dead for a while too.  Um, couldn't you just rub up against my feet to say you like me?  So no more mice, please.

Now as for sleeping arrangements.  Apparently last night I was too subtle for you.  When I grabbed you by the scruff of the neck and dragged your ass off of my chest and flung you to the floor I was really saying please don't cut off my breathing.  That did NOT mean please jump back up another 10 times.  I did notice that after all of that you decided to find a new spot to sleep and while yes that was an excellent thought your choice was a bit lacking.  The reason I was sitting mostly upright was because I was suffering from acid reflux last night and if I lay down I end up throwing up.   Very unpleasant, not good on the sheets.  That did not mean that since most of my pillow was unattended you should claim it and use you paws to kick my head off the tiny bit  was resting.  Also when I used my arm to tip you off the pillow that was not a hidden cue for you to come around from the other side and try to sleep on my head.

Let's work on our boundaries and personal space issues ok?  You know I love you but I'm not one of those, "Ahh, poor kitty needs to be near his mummy wubby, isn't this cute"  I don't like sharing my bed with the kids, hell even Ted most days, I'm not sharing with you.

Love,

Cecelia

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Not bad.  Feeling a bit more empowered now.  Last one.


Dear Computer,

You put up pop up notices when my files are done downloading, when my free virus protection service wants me to pay, when Adobe and Firefox need me to download some fix to whatever problem their smart ass developers weren't able to fix when it was in Beta testing.  You yell at me when the printer is down to it's last 300 pages of ink and you beep like Hell at me when I forget to close the file before I yank out memory stick out. Seriously, there was NO way you could tell me that the batteries in the keyboard were dying and THAT'S why it was skipping ever other letter typed?

Really?

I spent 3 days thinking that I was drunk and didn't know it because I could not type a single damn sentence without correcting every damn word 3 times.

Uncool Computer, very uncool.

Don't play stupid with me.  You and I both know there's more going on inside your black and gray case than a series of if/then statements.  Stop jacking with me and I'll stop having 9 browsers open at one time and ease up your usage.  I'll even make sure you start getting turned off once a week for at least overnight.  I understand, we all need our rest.  We cool?

Sincerely,

Cecelia



Alright.  I'm going to hold onto this post as proof that I can have a civil conversation with those who piss me off.  Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a nap.  As you might have guessed it's been an eventful 24 hours.