Thanking God for a Twit This Morning

I think I'm becoming too frazzled to function.  Ever since children started arriving I've learned to live with a certain amount of chaos and anarchy.  There is no completely peaceful moment in your life once the short people make their appearance.  However, there are limits and you reach a point that you have to stop yourself, slap your self upside the hide and reign it all in.  That moment just hit me.  Like a ton of LEGOS and Littlest Pet Shop in the face.

Saturday morning cricket.  Ahhhhh, 3 hours of watching an activity I can't bring myself to call a sport.  I know there are people booing and hissing at me right now; that's OK.  You people live in your little world of long white pants in the summer, not running when you hit the ball and taking 2 weeks to play a single game. I'm comfortable in my skin of of liking sports where you're expected to hit people.  Since my daughters are doing Little Athletic's on Saturdays as well Ted and I are dividing and conquering.  He takes them to Little A's and I take Teddy to cricket.  Last night I checked the schedule as I knew the game was in Wahroonga, but I didn't know when or which oval in Wahroonga.  There are lots.  Trust me. Cricket is huge in this country

Because Teddy has been playing with the same boys for 4 years and the same parents volunteer to do things every year (GOD BLESS THEM!!) I just did a quick search for the team managers name in Gmail and found the Google Docs link for the schedule.  I scanned down the list for the name Wahroonga, found it and learned it was on Cliff Avenue at 8 am.  Bugger, that's early.  Oh well, such is life.  Suck it up Cupcake.

7:30 am this morning we are off.  I'm deliberately trying to be a little late so I don't get asked to score.  Yes, that's juvenile.  I understand that.  I am ashamed of myself.  I am a bad person.  Mea Culpa.  10 minutes into the ride I ask Teddy if he has his hat.  Now, this is not just to complete the uniform.  He will be out in the open field for over 3 hours and has 1 tiny speck of Melanin in his entire body.  He will fry.  Of course, since Teddy has had his kit bag packed and in the boot (trunk) for days he looks at me dead pan with disgust...then remembers that he doesn't have it.

TWIT!!  Grrrr. Now I have to turn back and we're REALLY going to be late.  Sheesh!  I hand him the phone and have him type out a text to the manager saying that he's forgotten the hat and we'll be late.  A few minutes later we get the response, "No worries!  Game isn't until 9"

What?  9am?  What's he talking about?  I checked the sheet, it said 8.  This doesn't make sense but I do start to curtail my mocking of Teddy about forgetting the hat.

We return home and I run to the computer.  I log in and open my gmail account and search for his name.  That's when I notice that 2 email addresses pop up for him.  I had clicked on the first one.  When I open that Google Document that's when I see my mistake.

This is a schedule from LAST SEASON.  The damn date isn't even right. I just looked for the city name and nothing else.  Biting my tongue I back out and look at the other email address. Yes, there are more emails with schedules and yes, here is one from this season. I scan for Wahroonga AND today's date.  Of course I'm sure you've guessed it.  The game isn't on Cliff Ave, it's on Yanilla Avenue.  On the complete opposite side of Wahroonga.  I would have been an hour early and then had to spend that time driving around trying to find the correct oval.  Since we all know how WONDERFUL Apple Maps is right now I'm sure I would have been directed to Melbourne.

The worst part is that Teddy knows.  He knows we dodged a bullet and the dodge came from him forgetting his hat.  He's walking around preening like he's discovered Unobtainium or something. This boy is his father's son.  He will never forget this and never forget that I was wrong.  There will be no living with him now.  And dammit, he is right.  He did save us.  And now, I have to come up with a new reason to be late so I'm not asked to score.  Too much effort this early in the morning.

Surviving the Gift of Nature

  My children never miss an opportunity to surprise the Hell out of me. A lot of times it's on purpose but sometimes I think its just because they can't imagine that I wouldn't agree that what they were doing was awesome too. Take my youngest Tessi, for example. She constantly shocks me but rarely does she understand why.

It's the first really hot day of the year for us and trudging to school pickup I'm sweltering. I hate the heat. Always have, always will. The bell rings and I start eyeballing the swarm to pick out my minions so we can head back to the a/c in the car. Teddy rolls up, having lost his wallet with his train pass, so he's forced to endure a tortuously uncool ride home. Poor kid, I bleed for him. I spot Connor taking her sweet time and meandering. She can make a 20 second walk take 3 minutes. Then Miss Tessi arrives with a huge sweet smile. Stupid me starts to think the smile is for me but I come to my senses when I notice she's carrying a small plastic container with grass in it.

I am suddenly ice cold. "What's that Tess?" I ask with rising bile in my throat. Miss Thing's smile grows. "It's Ben's pet! It's a BABY and he wants me to watch it until Friday for him." I lean over and it's a damn snail. Doing the math quickly I realize we're supposed to keep this damn creature for 3 nights.  Oh Hell no.   Everyone who has ever spent 5 minutes with me knows that I don't like creatures from the great outdoors. EVERYONE. Everyone except my 7 year old daughter apparently.

Looking around the playground I ask where Ben is. He's left already.  Of course he has, I expect nothing less at this point. Connor has walked up now and is noticing the snail. This is more of an event than you might think.  Connor hates 90% of all living creatures, liking only humans, cats, dogs and the occasional cow or bunny. Snails are NOT on her favorite list. I begin herding my crew to the car and my "friend" says, "Yea, good luck with that snail" I'm not repeating what I mouthed at her. The other bizarre part about this situation is that Tessi hates Ben right now.  He has been driving her crazy for months. He chases her and stalks her in the playground. However since he's given her a baby and a sob story about its mother dying ( Really? The snail's mother died? What crap) and Bob's Your Uncle...Tessi thinks he's wonderful again. Christ, she's way too young to be suckered in by a cheap pick up lies from a cute boy. 

 I mention to Tessi that in the future the correct response to someone offering her a pet is,"Why thank you, I'd love to but my mother will beat me bloody raw if I do." Other kids hear me say this as I walk by and a couple looked a bit fearful.  Oh, if only my kids were fearful of me. Wouldn't my life be so much easier.

We enjoy a 17 minute car ride home together. In this case I would use a very loose definition of the word enjoy.  It was entertaining for someone, I'm sure. Shelly, our new snail friend (my suggestion of calling it escargot went ignored) began to make a break for it. Tessi thought it was hilarious to watch the snail cling up the side up and out onto her hand. Connor found it decidedly less hilarious. I'm proud of her, however. She only screamed for half the ride home. That's an improvement for her. Then of course Tessi got mad and accused Connor of being mean to her snail and not respecting her little life.  I started to wonder if I speed up and drive the car into the big water tower on Galston road if I could drown out the noise. I decided against it as I'm sure their voices are shrill enough to pierce the afterlife.

Getting into the house I head for the kitchen and find saran wrap. I cover up the container and trap Shelly. I then take a fork and poke a thousand holes in the top so the disgusting thing can breathe. Tomorrow morning it's going right back to school and straight back to her daddy Ben's loving arms. Tessi is now starting to notice that perhaps I'm not delirious with joy at the arrival our new guest. She starts promising to never bring another insect into the house. After explaining that Shelly isn't an insect and that there is a ton of creatures, not just insects, that she's not allowed to bring home I have to comfort her because she's sad. Sad that no one likes the snail, sad that I'm not happy, sad that Connor is mean to snails and hates Nature and sad for...I don't know what else, I stopped listening as my ears were starting to bleed. I soothed her, told her everything would be ok and then we make sure Shelly has some water in her prison. 

I myself am skipping the water and have gone straight to champers. That way any more surprises will have an extra layer to penetrate before reaching my brain.

I Want to Buy This House!

This house is quite possibly my favorite house ever.

http://www.domain.com.au/Property/For-Sale/House/NSW/Normanhurst/?adid=2010025188

I would buy it tomorrow if I could.  Sadly since Australia refuses to acknowledge Ted's US military service and give us thousands of dollars towards the purchase we are out of luck.  But I can dream.  I have been in this house many times, as it belongs to a friend of mine.  It has just about everything I want in a home except for a live-in maid...well one besides me.

The great room and kitchen is hands down the best set-up I've seen for us "normal" people.  Meaning if you do not have Russell Crowe wealth and live outside of the Eastern Suburbs and you can't design your house...this already wins.  It's huge.  Giagantic and open and easy to cook, watch the kids, entertain guests and just live.  So many houses today are designed solely to save money.  The great box house is popping up all over Sydney, just like in Texas.  While they are big, the design doesn't fit how most people live.  Not this house.  It just works.  Then it opens up to a great big yard with room to run.  The garden's perimeter is stocked full of lovely, well grown trees and bushes.  Mow and the ocassional trim, that's it.  It's all done for you.

The front of the house is one of my favorite parts.  It still has the old world look and it is the exact opposite of the box.  Each room is slightly different from each other, giving the sense of individual space.  I love walking through the rooms.

The laundry room is HUGE!!!! Designed for people who actually do laundry.  The cabinets are all in the right places and the counter space is perfect for handling tremendous amounts of laundry quickly.  I'm always so jealous of it when I go over.

Of course, any real estate agent will tell you that the true hallmark of real estate is Location, Location and Location.  This house has it.  Nestled in the corner of one of the best sections of Normanhurst.  Not because of supreme wealth, but because of the people.  Got kids?  Your kids will find friends immediately and be able to walk to school and you to the train. It's ideal. It's close to everything!  Shops, train, schools.  Grrrr, I'm getting more annoyed as I type.  I want this place!!!

I'm jealous of anyone who gets to buy this house.  They are getting a ready-to-go home.  Just move you're furniture and kids toys and you're done.  Someone is going to snatch this baby up and I will be be green with envy.  I wish it was me!

Back Again at School

Today begins Term 4 in NSW and for our Normanhurst Public School. It's the last term of the school year and my son's last term in primary school. After all the negatively, cruelness and attempts at intimidating of last term I'm hoping that this new one can be a fresh start.

Our little school has so many wonderful things going for it. It has a real sense of community to it and in my 5 years here I've always felt that the parents really do care about all the kids and the teachers. As far as the teachers go, Normanhurst has some of the best I've encountered on two continents. I hope they know how appreciated and wanted they are for our kids. I've always been proud to say that my kids(and my money) go to Normo!

So lets hope that this term we can move on from the past. No more Mommy Mafia. No more I'm a better parent than you. No more mean-spirited anonymous txt messages and certainly no more I'm more important than you attitudes. As adults we all have learned that we don't have to like each other in order to behave civilally to each other. Isn't that a lessen we have all been trying to teach our kids? It's one I believe in strongly. Let's make pick up and drop off areas a Neutral Zone (my little geek reference) - a safe harbor for all parents to feel welcome to greet their children; not just the "good" ones.

Welcome back to school kids. It's a great place we have here. 

Geeking Out at EB Games Expo

 I think I have cemented my role as GEEK amongst my friends. Today I will spend close to 13 hours at the first EB Games Expo in Sydney. Teddy and I heard about this expo 2 months ago and we both have been wigging out about it. I'm not a gamer, that's for sure but the idea of being in computer friendly type convention culture with no My Little Pony (yes, I'm still a little bitter about that) had me in a tizzy.  I would KILL to go to The San Diego Comic Con but the logistics are a bit iffy. So this gamer coulter here in Sydney will just have to soothe my geek needs until I hit the the lottery and can hit California or more of the geek/sci fi/ weirdo culture jumps the pond and comes over here.  Teddy just wanted to play HALO 4.  So now we're both happy.

He's brought a mate with him (don't I sound native!) and we have been juggling the "Crap! I don't want to be here with my mother" and the "Crap! I need my mom!" mindset all day. On one hand, dear Lord, no one wants to be here with their mother, but on the other hand I did stand in line for almost 3 hours to give them a chance to play the new Assassin's Creed game. I did get bonus points for that.

Many of my close friends are re-reading that last paragraph and blinking very hard. After all, I am the PIA mom who has steadfastly refused to allow Teddy to purchase the "cool" games like Call of Duty, Modern Warfare, Medal of Honor and yes, Assassin's Creed. I've been ruining his life and destroying his only hopes at happiness for at least 3 years now over these games, why the sudden change of heart?  It's not actually a change of heart as much as its a temporary suspension of the rules. He's not getting the game but I did wait 3 hours in line so he could play it for 10 minutes. I did this because a few months ago he tried to snow me with a rather brilliant plan to try get me to like the new game.

See Assassin's Creed 3 is set in the American Revolutionary War and the main character is killing all the English soldiers. Teddy casually mentioned to me that he was a bit concerned that he wasn't learning enough about American History one day and lamented how sad that must make Dad and I-considering our love of US History. He then mentioned this new game coming out was set in the American Revolutionary War and how it showed all the battles and used the correct generals names. When he told me the title I just raised one eyebrow at him. This is when the con really started - He told me that he was offended that I would assume that he was asking for the game. After all, he knows the rules about THOSE games. See he just wanted to have a conversation about history with me.

It was fantastic. He blathered on and on for about 20 minutes about the merits of this game. You know, the EDUCATIONAL merits of it. Then he walked away. Let it go completely. Just left me thinking about how my poor son isn't learning about the history of his homeland. And his father has a masters degree in American Colonial History nonetheless.  It was brilliant. Really, I give it two thumbs up. It might have worked too if I was the  complete schmuck he thinks I am and I did NOT go look up reviews about the game on You Tube. First scene had the assassin guy slit the throat of the English soldier. Niiiccceeeeee.

So I waited until the next day and when he wasn't paying attention I mentioned how I looked up the game on You Tube. He stopped dead and without even looking at me he said, "You Tube?"  "Yes" I said, "I looked up the EDUCATIONAL game you mentioned to me" Pause.pause.pause. "We'll, I never actually thought I'd get the game" he coyly mentioned to me. "That's ok Babe," I purred back at him, "that was a really good try. I'm really impressed how you used guilt and played on our worries about your education to try and get your way, it was impressive" "Yeah, we'll, you gotta try sometimes," he said a little dejectedly and wondered off. 

True dat.  Sometimes you gotta try. Most normal mothers would have been really angry about him trying to pull a fast one like that and yea, normally I would have been chapped. This is one of the joys of parenting though: you get to pick and chose when you're a hypocrite. I really was impressed by the thought, planning and effort that he went to in order to try and win. Maybe I can be impressed because I wasn't even remotely fooled by it. I'm not sure. Either way, there was no danger of him getting the game and wow..he did try for it. So I caved a little today and helped him play his game and he doesn't know it yet but he's getting an Assassin's Creed 3 t-shirt for Christmas. 

So I sit here now being hypocritical about the game but enjoying the Hell out of myself. I don't care. I'm happy. Since I'm me though and can always find something to complain about I will voice 1 complaint.

 No free wifi and no charging stations for electronic devices?  Really EB GAMES?! For Chrissake, what market are you are you targeting here? Geeks who spend money on video games and electronic devices rather than going outside!!!!  That's who! You want me to be here all day and I have no way to charge my phone? You people know how bad Apple has been about providing any real battery life for its products. Shame on you! I know you think that since its Australia you don't have to provide all the goodies that people in the US expect. However since I do have excess to a thing called the Internet (well, I did before my damn phone died) I do know that free wifi is offered all over the place in the US. If city buses can offer its, so can you.  If you want people back next year think about offering these services, please.

In the meantime I will enjoy my cool new Expo t-shirt and at least for a 10 minutes today, I got to be a cool mom before I was regulated to waiting in the cafe for him to need me again.  All in all, not a bad way to spend the day.

What Parenting While Ill Teaches You

I just spent three days trapped in bed with round two of the flu scourge of the North Shore. Actually since I'm a parent spending days in he'd actually means doing two loads of laundry a day, feeding kids breakfast and lunch, refereeing fights and occasionally passing out on the couch. But that's a lot to type so we'll stick with the trapped in bed part.

I'm now recovering and able to be mobile. That translates loosely to add another load of laundry, do the dishes and cook dinner and drive around picking up the girls friends taking them to a movie and helping a friend with her computer via the phone while in said movie. Now that last part was the actually the only real fun part of the day for me so I won't complain about that. I will add though that while my friend commented on Facebook how impressed she was with me for doing that I say that is more a commentary on the quality of the movie, rather than my multitasking skills.

During my sojourn in illness hell I had to make some changes in my parenting style to better facilitate an optimal outcome. That translates to I had to give up everything I know and believe in as a parent so everyone would still be alive by the time Ted came home from work and I could crawl up to bed and pass out for the night. When you completely cave in and sacrifice your morals one of two things happen. 1. You feel very bad about yourself as a person and you spend the rest of your life trying to make up for your sins or 2. You have a bit of an epiphany and realize that not everything you believed in was the only way of doing things. I think it will shock no one that I am enjoying the latter of the two scenarios.

Let me share some of the pearls of wisdom I learned this week.

1.  Tic Tacs are a perfectly acceptable choice for Morning Tea

2.  If your daughters watching 4 hours straight of My Little Pony lets you nap part of your fever away on the couch, do it.

3. The annoyance factor of My Little Pony increases by a factor of 2 per episode. So one episode is 50% annoying. That means two episodes is 100% annoying, three is 200% annoying. This pattern continues until all you have to hear is the opening refrain of the theme song and you will dream of gouging your ears out with your sons Xbox controller. However since caring about the quality of music is an indicator of returned health try not to be too angry.

4. Kids are going to argue. You can bribe, threaten, plead or beg and you won't change that. Best to stay out of the way unless you feel the blood splatter.  If noise is too much dole out chores to be done in opposite ends of the house.

5. YouTube is a debilitated parents best friend. There are literally thousands of funny kittens, gaseous creatures,Star Wars LEGO, swearing Care Bears, and yodeling Spaniards ready and waiting to teach your children important life lessons. All of which can searched for, found and viewed without your intervention at all. It's an excellent way to teach yourchildren independence  and resilience.

6. It is not only socially acceptable but adamantly required to threaten to "beat that damn dog's ass into the ground" for barking at every rat dog, bush turkey, cat and pedestrian that walks by. Show your neighbors that you are aware of the barking dog problem by screaming every foul, profane and obscene oath you can think of out the window. Be careful though, this can agregrevate your already sore throat. Be sure to have tea and headache meds ready.

7. Keep sharp implements at least 4 steps away from you. This is a safety measure for when you are dealing with kids in the car after you've recovered enough to put yourself behind the wheel of a car. When driving Connor'sfriend home, halfway there Connor began sobbing that she left her favorite high heeled thongs (flip flops) at the park. Still harboring illusions of being a good parent you turn around to go get them. Once there, it turns out that the shoes can not be found. This is confusing since we've only been gone 15 minutes.  Having a sinking feeling in my stomach I returned to the car, only to find the shoes on the floor of the car. It seems that Connor looked down at her feet and saw no shoes and couldn't be bothered to look 3 inches to the right.  I tell you this because I know if there had been anything sharp within my grasp, even a pencil, I very well might might have gone on a rather bloody killing spree. It's only because I had to walk an extra 5 steps around the car to get to my door and my keys did I have the time curtail my killing instinct.

5.  People can wear the same clothes 3 days in a row and while they are disgusting; they are not life threateningly toxic. That's something people in books don't like to say. Good people change their clothes constantly according to modern hygienic rules.  Utter bollocks. Untermeyer filth and decay is falling off in discernable chunks, the laundry can wait.

I'm back to relative good health so I can type all of this. Tic Tacs are back to being off the Morning Tea menu but I'm afraid I'm still hearing My Little Pony in my nightmares.