Back in Ye Oldy Days when I was in elementary (primary) school I changed schools to join a special program for supposedly very smart children. For the most part I hated it. My old friends disliked me for being "too good" for them and my new school friends didn't really like me because I was from "over the mountain," as in I was from a different town. Kids are fun huh?
Because I was so unhappy I developed a skill for faking illness to stay home. I never did anything as pedantic as stick the thermometer in a hot drink but I knew how to lower my eyes, shiver uncontrollably and plead the pain of a headache with enough style and grace that I projected an image of a genuinely sick child. The new age positive parenting gurus would probably say I maximized my acting skills. Old school, hard core disciplinarians would say I was a manipulative, lying little snot. I prefer the term Creative Outcome Maneuver Artist myself. At first glance it sounds really impressive. Of course then you go back and closely dissect the words and you can tell it's a bunch of drivel. For a minute though, it sounds fabulous.
Returning to my ancient history lesson, my mother returned to teaching at tthe same time that I had switched schools. This made me one of the poor down-trodden "latch key kids" news stories were just starting to report. This consumed her with guilt and I milked that for all it was worth. My acting skills coupled with her unwavering Catholic guilt were an impressive force. Not unlike Inertia or kids moving in on unguarded ice cream. My chance at the annual perfect attendance award was usually shot to Hell by about 3 weeks into the new school year.
Because of my previous nefarious youthful ways I felt that I had to step up my game when it came to parenting. I started early on with Teddy when he started Kindergarten with my Mommy's Stay at Home Sick Rules. There aren't a lot of them per se, but just enough to get the job done.
1. Sick child stays in bed except for meals and potty breaks
2. No Gameboys, DS, Touch or anything that may be construed as fun.
3. You can read, color and draw as much as you want.
4. No TV....at all.
As you can imagine, each child has tested this rule as soon as they could. Each were aghast to learn that I was actually serious. As none of my children are as irretrievably stupid as they like to act, this has created a culture of children going to school and only staying at home unless they are at Death's door.
The only deviation from these rules are when staying home isn't their choice. For example, during the great Normanhurst Public School Chicken Pox Epidemic of 2011, all kids had free reign of any entertainment device I could throw at them.
We were blessed/cursed in that each of my children came down with the illness one after the other. As each child had to stay home for 2 weeks to avoid spreading contamination we had six weeks straight where I was trapped alone in the house with one kid. Since my children were previously immunized their cases were very mild and they felt perfectly fine. Contagious, feeling fine but confined to the house. Not the best way to go through life.
For readers with no children, imagne being trapped with a live action Taz, the Tasmanian Devil, who shrieks like a high-pitched Cindy Lauper. Also Taz makes you sit next to her and watch iCarly and Big Cook, Little Cook.
I have to honest and admit that things became a little ugly during this time period. I'm not ashamed to admit that I would have let them watch porn and teaching hospital videos on performing surgery if it meant they would have left me alone for five minutes. It didn't come to that, but it was close....very close.
Other that that unfortunate situation my stay at home rules have worked rather well for us. Lately though, I've been coming to the sinking realization that I am going to have to revise and revisit these rules. My precious Connor has found the Trojan Horse to sneak inside the defenses of my rules system.
Two weeks ago she had to stay home from school, per doctors orders, for a nasty cold. She didn't have a problem staying in bed as she got to read her Warrior Cats books all day.
Ever since then she has woken every morning complaining of some malady so she can stay home. Threats of no tv, ipod Touch and banishment to room have simply bounced off of her. She has no problem with it.
The really annoying thing is that now I have to pay attention first thing in the morning. Before all of this happened I'd just throw out, "Do you feel bad enough to stay in bed with no TV?" and that would force the child in question to sort out the severity of the illness. A really ill child would still beg to stay home and the wanna-be faker would skulk back to their room to finish getting dressed. Now I need to take her temperature, check for swollen glands, and monitor food and water intake to determine real illness. Seriously? All before I've had my tea?
No, no, no. I need LESS responsibility and activity in the morning, not MORE. This does not work for me.
I have no solution yet to this latest drama. I suppose I have to decide if I'm more annoyed that she might be staying home or forcing me to think so much first thing in the morning. It's a tough call.
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