I had a meeting today with another mom. We both have our kids with us right now so we went to a place that the kids could be entertained and we could chat in relative peace. It worked out really well but I was having such a great time chatting with a grown up and I had a hard time shutting up so we ending up chatting longer than I planned. It such a great feeling listening to another human being talk about topics I care about and listening to what I had to say. She never interrupted me I never had to tell her to chew her food before speaking. It was a highlight in my life.
However my lollygagging meant that the kids had to step up, entertain themselves and not fight. This is a lot to ask. When we left I felt I needed to give them a thank you beyond the words - which I did offer by the way. I praised them all for their behavior and told them how much it helped me. I have always tried very hard not to force my kids into grown up scenarios. Because of that when it does happen and they have to leave their world and enter mine I like to show them my gratitude.
To my kids that's either stone cold cash or McDonald's. Maccas as it's known in Australia. Since 1/2 of the local area was in the Maccas at that time we had a hard time finding a seat. We finally managed to procure one outside as my kids are old enough to save a seat while I wait in line. Some parenting things really are getting easier. Balancing two trays of food I headed out to them. Tripping over strollers, crying toddlers and their crying moms I had to juke around the long way to get to my kids, actually coming in from behind so they didn't see me. Connor shouts out, "Hurry up, Mom's coming, I know she's coming" and then turns to see me standing there, "See, I told you..." The other two are silent and Teddy pretends to be fascinated with an ashtray.
I felt no need to waste my breath and bother with the What did you Do!? line. I've done this gig enough years to know that no one is going to tell me the truth and since there is no pulsing blood or screaming store owner, I honestly don't care. Removing the ash try from him and ignoring whatever sin they are trying to cover up I begin to divvy up the food.
As I sit and dole out the treats which include not one, but two Despicable Me Minion toys, I ponder the events of the day. The morning began with me refereeing 4 fights and doling out punishments, washing two loads of laundry, throwing dinner in the crockpot, schooling a 12 year old boy who THINKS he's all that in game of who has the best smack talk and then I ended with an incredibly positive meeting with another writer about my blog writing. The afternoon was shaping up nicely. Life is good. I get a little lost in thought and daydream in my little world for a few minutes. Thinking back to a time when grown ups asked my opinions about things I smile and look around at my kids.
Then I am bombarded with this pearl.
"Mummy, can I use my Minion Fart Gun again?"
Well now. That is a large record scratching sound in my life. If that doesn't snap me back into reality I don't know what will. Even sadder yet is knowing that this wasn't the weirdest question I've answered this week or even this month.
As a mom that is a huge part of my life. Answering weird questions. They come in all shapes and sizes. No topic is too bizarre and I never know what question is coming at me. Certainly I expected that I would be answering questions like "How do you spell different?" or possibly "Why did the Americans fight back against the British?" or "Who actually uses Algebra in real life?" when I signed up for Mommy 101 but I really wasn't expecting to have to offer seemingly sincere, sane answers to weird, ridiculous questions.
Sincere answers like these:
"Yes, use the gun 3 more times, please don't have it fart at strangers, just at your brother and sister"
"No, there is no law saying you can't wear a dress to a mini golf birthday party"
"Yes actually, it normally is bad if dogs eat an entire package of gum. However in our case Satan is scared of Sasha so he isn't calling her home anytime soon"
"Toys were invented by Cavemommies who wanted 30 seconds of peace. They probably threw a stick at the kids and they played with it rather than bug her"
"I have no idea which finger Cleopatra was bitten on by the asp."
"No, Dr. House didn't treat my mother when she had a stroke. He's a fictional character and she was a real person"
"Yes, it does matter if you try to wear the same socks and underwear 2 days in a row"
"2+2 does equal 4. I know Daddy's shirt says it equals 5. It's a geek joke. Normal people aren't supposed to understand it"
"No, no one is going to pay you to level-up their video games for them"
These are just the questions I handled during lunch and the drive home. You wouldnt believe what I dealt with the rest of the day. I could go on. Perhaps I will another time. Some of these are just too bizarre to chance forgetting.
I really want to remember this stuff at Christmas, my birthday and Mother's Day. That way when I get asked why I like to demand expensive things I can respond with genuine sincerity, "I'm sorry, I only answer weird questions"
