This is an Ex-Fish

Sadly, our family has had it's first casualty in the fish tank.  Crystal, the orange goldfish is no more.  And as usual we can't have a fish die like a normal family.

Tuesday is our home day.  By that I mean it's the only day during the week we get to come home and stay home.  No activities.  So I like to use Tuesday as the big push for getting large chunks of homework chores done.  I call it, "Homework and menial labor" day.  We were home about 3.2 seconds when the fighting began.  Not sure why they were so slow, maybe someone was sick, who knows.

It wasn't anything new, I've had kids do homework and do chores while fighting before - I've been doing this gig for 11 years you know.  So we got through it and I decided to let them have some fun time.  BIG MISTAKE.

My kids are now watching the orginal Batman series.   It's hilarious to watch their reactions to things, not so much the story - when there is one, but mainly to the clothes.  All 3 kids are horrified that Batman and Robin wear their underwear on the outside.  I just say it was the 60's and try not to judge.

My main mistake came in leaving the room as I've been trying to help a friend with a computing issue she's having.  I made it about 5 minutes when the screaming and sobbing started.  Apparently someone shoved someone who then accidentally hit someone else.  Then the first someone, not the second, decided that the third one looked like they were about to hit someone so they did a pre-emptive strike, you know, to preserve the family.  I actually stopped listening to the first someone the first time around.  I saw there was no spewing blood and decided my salvaging my mental health was more important I sent all three pissed off minions to their rooms.

As Connor was leaving, and sobbing, she half mentioned that she couldn't see Crystal in the tank.  I, being mother of the year, mentioned that perhaps she was hiding from all the screaming.

I spent the next few minutes in blissful silence and completed my computer work and came out to call everyone out.

That's when I saw that Crystal was gone too.  So I started peering around trying to find and then I noticed that she was not there.  At all.  Hmmm.  I start looking around on the floor, maybe the stupid thing committed suicide, I dunno, do fish get depressed? 

No fish.  Hmmmm.  Would the other fish have eaten her and left nothing?  A little grossed out at the thought I lean in and stick my hand in the tank.  We have one of those holey rocks, maybe she's hiding in there.  I put my face right up against the wall and I lift the rock but it slipped and slammed back down, forcing a very dead fish to get squirted up right at the glass straight at my eyes.  I was proud of my myself, I didn't yell or scream too much.  A little swearing, barely worth mentioning.


My current plan is to cover the fish and ignore the problem but a quick call to my friend the fish expert says no.  Must remove.  Damnit. 

I call the kids down and explain they were sent to their rooms because normal people can watch tv without poking, punching and hitting each other.  The entire time I spoke I poked, jabbed and annoyed each one.  Then I mentioned that by the way, one of the fish didn't make it.  The girls froze in their tracks and demanded to know which one.  When I said Crystal, both girls began to sob hysterically and that's when Ted walked in from work. 

I give him credit though, he did not turn around and run sobbing back to his car.  I get a little container and scoop the little fish out and we have a ceremony in the front yard to bury it.  As I walk out the door I turned on Teddy, "Don't you DARE say anything shitty now, they are both really upset"  Teddy looks aghast.  As if he would ever say anything unkind to his sisters.  Really, I have a cruel streak in my brain to think such bad things of him.

I dig a hole and jump the fish and ask if anyone has any kind words.  Connor says she was an extraordinary fish and Tessi sobs.  Then Connor asks when she can get a new fish and she and Tessi start planning the next one's name.  It was decided that it would be Crystal II.  Of course.

At the table Tessi mentions that she didn't get to say a proper goodbye to Crystal and Connor said don't worry, we'll just dig her up.  Ummmm, no, we will not dig her up.  Then we had a talk about why we weren't digging the fish's body up.  Of course it doesn't help that Ted keeps making quiet comments that at least we weren't having fish and chips for dinner.  Rat bag....

I like to think most families could have scooped up, buried and farewelled the fish a bit quicker than we did.  Certainly with less threatening.  But no matter, the fish is gone and we're planning the arrival of the new Crystal.  I think we will wait though, until Tessi can walk by the front windows without bellowing, "Goodbye Crystal, you were the best fish ever!"