My children never miss an opportunity to surprise the Hell out of me. A lot of times it's on purpose but sometimes I think its just because they can't imagine that I wouldn't agree that what they were doing was awesome too. Take my youngest Tessi, for example. She constantly shocks me but rarely does she understand why.
It's the first really hot day of the year for us and trudging to school pickup I'm sweltering. I hate the heat. Always have, always will. The bell rings and I start eyeballing the swarm to pick out my minions so we can head back to the a/c in the car. Teddy rolls up, having lost his wallet with his train pass, so he's forced to endure a tortuously uncool ride home. Poor kid, I bleed for him. I spot Connor taking her sweet time and meandering. She can make a 20 second walk take 3 minutes. Then Miss Tessi arrives with a huge sweet smile. Stupid me starts to think the smile is for me but I come to my senses when I notice she's carrying a small plastic container with grass in it.
I am suddenly ice cold. "What's that Tess?" I ask with rising bile in my throat. Miss Thing's smile grows. "It's Ben's pet! It's a BABY and he wants me to watch it until Friday for him." I lean over and it's a damn snail. Doing the math quickly I realize we're supposed to keep this damn creature for 3 nights. Oh Hell no. Everyone who has ever spent 5 minutes with me knows that I don't like creatures from the great outdoors. EVERYONE. Everyone except my 7 year old daughter apparently.
Looking around the playground I ask where Ben is. He's left already. Of course he has, I expect nothing less at this point. Connor has walked up now and is noticing the snail. This is more of an event than you might think. Connor hates 90% of all living creatures, liking only humans, cats, dogs and the occasional cow or bunny. Snails are NOT on her favorite list. I begin herding my crew to the car and my "friend" says, "Yea, good luck with that snail" I'm not repeating what I mouthed at her. The other bizarre part about this situation is that Tessi hates Ben right now. He has been driving her crazy for months. He chases her and stalks her in the playground. However since he's given her a baby and a sob story about its mother dying ( Really? The snail's mother died? What crap) and Bob's Your Uncle...Tessi thinks he's wonderful again. Christ, she's way too young to be suckered in by a cheap pick up lies from a cute boy.
I mention to Tessi that in the future the correct response to someone offering her a pet is,"Why thank you, I'd love to but my mother will beat me bloody raw if I do." Other kids hear me say this as I walk by and a couple looked a bit fearful. Oh, if only my kids were fearful of me. Wouldn't my life be so much easier.
We enjoy a 17 minute car ride home together. In this case I would use a very loose definition of the word enjoy. It was entertaining for someone, I'm sure. Shelly, our new snail friend (my suggestion of calling it escargot went ignored) began to make a break for it. Tessi thought it was hilarious to watch the snail cling up the side up and out onto her hand. Connor found it decidedly less hilarious. I'm proud of her, however. She only screamed for half the ride home. That's an improvement for her. Then of course Tessi got mad and accused Connor of being mean to her snail and not respecting her little life. I started to wonder if I speed up and drive the car into the big water tower on Galston road if I could drown out the noise. I decided against it as I'm sure their voices are shrill enough to pierce the afterlife.
Getting into the house I head for the kitchen and find saran wrap. I cover up the container and trap Shelly. I then take a fork and poke a thousand holes in the top so the disgusting thing can breathe. Tomorrow morning it's going right back to school and straight back to her daddy Ben's loving arms. Tessi is now starting to notice that perhaps I'm not delirious with joy at the arrival our new guest. She starts promising to never bring another insect into the house. After explaining that Shelly isn't an insect and that there is a ton of creatures, not just insects, that she's not allowed to bring home I have to comfort her because she's sad. Sad that no one likes the snail, sad that I'm not happy, sad that Connor is mean to snails and hates Nature and sad for...I don't know what else, I stopped listening as my ears were starting to bleed. I soothed her, told her everything would be ok and then we make sure Shelly has some water in her prison.
I myself am skipping the water and have gone straight to champers. That way any more surprises will have an extra layer to penetrate before reaching my brain.
